You Are What You Eat

[Robert Crisman]

The sabertooth tiger that scarfed down Fred Flintstone took sick and died the next day, and why not?

Old Fred was a fat farm, ate guts out of bush pigs, along with mass cheez-its and Fruit Loops, that last as per contract with Kelloggs; he also stayed blitzed half the time, on dandelion wine Barney sold him and, Jesus, the guy was a stone fucking mess.

Plus, man, he hadn't bathed since One Million B.C., thereabouts, and he smelled like mammoths that shit on themselves--and his cooties spun webs in his armpits and stuff, and that poison they spit brought down swamp flies at 26 feet!

The day before the sabertooth snatched him he'd gotten wrecked, and he staggered home and tried to lay some lovin' on Wilma, and when she told him she'd rather blow goats, he snatched up poor Pebbles and ate her.

Wilma'd been in this movie before, but this time she'd had enough, so she put her foot in Fred's funky ass and booted him out of the cave, and he spent the night croaking sob songs off-key in a tall clump of grass, which brought the sabertooth running to shut down the noise.

There were lots of Freds in the Pleistocene Era and their old ladies stayed pissed, believe it, and now you know how sabertooths wound up extinct.

[Sandra Davies]

I've been missing out on your particular brand of education ...

[Brad Rose]

Fred Flintstone, Wilma and Pebbles, AND Ludwig Feuerbach, too! ("You are what you eat.")  This is just too good.

[Stephen Torelli]

He should of stuck with grape jelly and Winston cigarettes. Memories!