What can YOU say in six sentences?
The field made me uneasy, but Donna, being an ex Girl Guide and forever going on about her woodcraft badges, you know, how to start a fire with two pine cones or cook a weasel in a nettle leaf, all that camping lore shit, insisted on pitching the tent right in the centre, which seemed very exposed to me, but I didn’t object because she looked so good in that tight tank top and those tiny shorts that all I wanted to do was get the tent up and pull her into my sleeping bag.
I was just driving in the last tent peg when I looked up and saw the bull, a BIG bull, bigger than a rhinoceros, and with those two up-curving belly-ripping horns it was a double barrelled rhinoceros, one with red glaring bumper sticker eyes that said something like, ‘I am something you DO NOT want to fuck with.’
Donna came around the tent, and I’ll give her credit, didn’t hesitate for a second, she turned and legged it toward the dry stone wall like a rocket, despite feeling slightly betrayed, I still had to admire her long flashing legs and the way her bottom pumped under those shorts, men are like that, they’ll think about such things even under the direst circumstances, but I was broken from my reverie by the sound of an angry snort behind me.
I looked around to see the bull trotting toward me with what seemed like a smug look which told me his thoughts went something along the lines of “I’m trotting my son because there’s no way you can make that wall in time, your girl might make it, but only because I’m going to be dealing with you.”
I took off like Jessie Owens at the Berlin Olympics giving a two fingered salute to Hitler, in fact I’m pretty sure I was faster than Mr Owens because he didn’t have the incentive of a beef replica of a panzer division up his arse, and as I wound up to a fully adrenalin turbo-charged sprint I still had to admire Donna way in front of me, remembering how she had been a high-jumper at school which is why she angled herself at the wall and went over it with that curious back flip that looks so awkward, but clearly worked for her.
Not for me though, not with beefosaurus roaring right behind me, I went for the pure parabolic dive, up and over and I’ll swear those horns brushed the soles of my boots as I cleared the wall to see Donna spread-eagled on her back in the road in exactly the place where I landed, smack on top of her in classic missionary style, and we both laughed long and hard and then took some advice from that old Beatles song and decided to ‘do it in the road’ ….. then we started laughing again …. hell of a way to start a honeymoon.