What can YOU say in six sentences?
Conceptually, it was a no-brainer for the network suits: Steven Seagal and Glenn Beck starring in their own reality series where they accosted "real" people "on the street" and demanded to know, "What are you doing for America?" Of course, two monstrous egos like that, they were just bound to die with their hands around each other's throats, but who could've guessed they would do that shit live in real-time? The ratings broke all sorts of records and even the people who didn't see it the first time around caught one of the gazillion replays on the news channels or You Tube, I mean the president even said something about it in this speech he made. That was just the beginning, though, because next came Kenye West's smash single, "Me and Glenn and Steve," and then Fox Studios optioned Jonathan Franzen's New Yorker piece and brought in Spike Jonze to direct, which was the real game-changer, because Jonze had this stroke of absolute genius where he decided that actresses in drag should play the lead roles, Scarlett Johansson (Beck) and Jessica Alba (Seagal), and then the cross-marketing cash, well it just came rolling in like some tsunami. James Cameron licensed his next-gen 3D to the project and the climactic cat-fight was right there in your face, I saw it like six times in the theater, I mean I was fucking transfixed. And meanwhile the accounts kept draining and the credit got tight and my redneck neighbor wired something underneath my car, "for the next time you go to that trendy club with them metrasexuals," and somewhere beyond the borders of my iPad I think it's finally turning to spring.