Sugar Dumplin (3)

[Jamie Hogan]

Since it's been a month, click here if you don't recall the predecessor. If it matters.

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He went to town and came back some and took the atv out hunting and stayed gone for days at a time and the snow clouds rolled grey and determined down off the mountains like cavalries of smoke, as if God had stamped out a great fire in heaven. 

He came through the door after one of the hunting trips, late of a Sunday afternoon, shedding his coat and stomping the cold off him.

"Cole Harden," she traded him the coat for a cup of coffee, "what is out there moving around that you can kill in this cold?"

"Wasn't nothing this time, anyway."

She made him supper and they talked about things they'd talked about before and some they hadn't and the wind made cooing sounds in the eves. He woke in the night again and the wind had gotten stronger and he looked at her for a long time, the shadow where her eyelashes met her cheek, moonlight in the room like a pale stranger come to honor the dead and her hands clutching the comforter as if it might blow off of them.

[Brittany]

There is both a coarse and a smooth and sensitive side to this piece. You balance them nicely with wonderful images.

[Angela]

Everyone already knows how I feel about longing, and this is a fine example of my favorite emotion.  Cole has a deep yearning for something and I will not attempt to claim what it is.  It may be none of our business.  Your final sentence made me so lonely, and I thank you for that.  (absolutely no sarcasm here)  That's the only way I know to describe it.

[Stephen Torelli]

"Cole Harden"... a tough guy name that I've always liked.

[Gita]

Cole Harden: the name has a flinty feel to it. It's the name of a private eye or a cowboy, but not a certified public accountant. He could be a country western singer, too, and a stone killer. I wonder at the names we choose for our characters.

Lapham made a smart observation (no surprise) about the going to town and coming back some and then going to hunt. Normally I would expect  this in a longer story and not a Six -- taking time, pulling the shades or curtains in stages to reveal the story to the reader.  It is good to remember the slow reveal even when writing short.  Nice tryptich, these dumplins.

 

[Paul de Denus]

I don't know what it is about this but it makes me want to stop writing and start all over again. There are are hand full of writers here who have that effect. Glad I'm here. Nailed it Jamie.

[Bill Lapham]

Bill picked out the gems. But I was taken by the first part of #1. He didn't just go out hunting. You could have said "He went out hunting...." No. "He went into town and came back some and took the atv out hunting and stayed gone for days..." That is the way to do that right there. Slow the pace. Make us think about what happens in real life. We gotta go to the store for something first, before we head out for days in the woods. Everybody does. Our guy is no different. It makes what happens next more plausible. Nice work.

[Bill Floyd]

"...cavalries of smoke, as if God had stomped out a great fire in heaven."  "...a pale stranger come to honor the dead and her hands clutching the comforter as if it might blow off them."  Had to write those out myself to kick start the day.  WOW.    

[Jeanette Cheezum]

I loved the last line; it told me all I needed to know.

[Diana E. Backhouse]

The first sentence of your last paragraph conjures up such a cosy picture.