Reincarnate

[Joe Gensle]

I’m back as a Tillamook Valley (Oregon) dairy cow that grazes on grasses so sweet that my milk produces the best cheese and other dairy products in the U.S.A. despite the claims of those udder bitches in the frozen milkcicled Wisconsin waste lands who think they’re ‘all that’ but aren’t.  

I get regular mani-pedis and baths, a special doctor who makes barn calls, am served the best food any four-stomached girl could ever want, and even have a crew of people that shovel-up after me in my stall, barn, and milking barn. And then, if you can believe this, those turd herders sell my nutritious excrement in bags to the Portland flower festival and to amateur gardeners which means, girlfriend, I’ve got it comin’ and goin’!

There’s just not a delicate way to say this ladies, but think about waking up in the morning, taking a 5-minute walk among the most beautiful Pacific Northwest countryside, going into a place with your girlfriends to get....well…to have your teats sucked and sucked and, my golly, I’m getting all creamy just thinking about it.

You cynical men are sitting there thinking, “Yeah, sure, but it’s a vacuum pump machine, not like my warm, manly hands giving it to you,” but pal, if you were all that, your lady wouldn’t have that little purple, vibrating rubber 'love buddy' hidden away in her lingerie drawer, now would she.

I could have ended up on a grill, or in India where a crappy diet makes a girl look like a ribbed Western couch on stilts, but at least you never get eaten, which makes me think, ‘This is Heaven!’ and I start to get all mooey with gratitude.

[Joey Delgado]

This was seriously very creative and hilarious. So many parts of this had me laughing. One of my favorite's is '...in India where a crappy diet makes a girl look like a ribbed Western couch on stilts...' Sheesh, how did you come up with that? Kudos to you sir on a great write.

[Angela]

Crazy.  Really imaginative, kiddo. :)