What can YOU say in six sentences?
A team of physicists at MIT have unveiled a new theory of everything titled "The Misanthropic Principle", a hypothesis that suggests 'the laws of nature and parameters of the Universe take on values that are consistent with conditions for assholes to exist.' Simply put, it means that The Universe must have those properties which allow assholes and douchebags to develop within it at some stage in its history.
"The universe we see today-and our very existence-depends upon a set of highly special initial conditions" says researcher Dr Alan Pinkerton. " A small change in the value of any of our fundamental constants likely to have an effect on the the establishment and development of matter, astronomical structures or elemental diversity as it is presently understood."
For example, if the universe were one tenth as old as its present age, there would not have been sufficient time to build up appreciable levels of metallicity through nucleosynthesis, which in turn means no carbon, thereby no oil or oil companies; subsequently no international banking system and therefore no Wall Street:- a prime source for assholes.
"A Universe without assholes will cease to have something to revolve around, thereby rapidly devolving into the bleak nothingness of a quantum vacuum" says Dr.Pinkerton, before adding on a hopeful note:- "Hey, at least then we'd be completely rid of politicians ! "