"Numb Ears"

[Andrea Vestrand]

Smoke clouds her eyes and she chokes back the fear. The screams are
so loud, they're muffled on numb ears. As each beer bottle
tumbles to the carpet, she cowers. A mother's love for too long
gone, turned sour. Her hope turns to dust. Drunken
father again, comments on her bust.

[Angela]

Andrea, you really stepped out here and I admire you for that.

[Brad Rose]

I don't think this works as well as it could. The speaker and the relationships are not clear and could be clearer. Maybe give "her" a name to. A mother's love: for whom has it gone sour? I like the idea of the last line. I assume it's about what 'he" notices, and pays attention to. It could be more powerful if we had a greater glimpse of who these two are.

[Joseph Lupoli]

Things don't seem very promising for that girl. But on the bright side, people have been known to recover from such abusive upbringings. Tight six!

[jkdavies]

feels very claustrophobic - great!

[Erin Cole]

I really like what you have to say here-it is profound and eloquent in its message, but I felt the rhyming took away from it. Maybe if the format was setup more like a poem, it would feel different. I'm not a poet, or even that good of a writer, so do remember that when or if you take this comment into consideration.