Smoke clouds her eyes and she chokes back the fear. The screams are
so loud, they're muffled on numb ears. As each beer bottle
tumbles to the carpet, she cowers. A mother's love for too long
gone, turned sour. Her hope turns to dust. Drunken
father again, comments on her bust.

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Comment by Angela on May 14, 2010 at 2:24pm
Andrea, you really stepped out here and I admire you for that.
Comment by Brad Rose on May 14, 2010 at 9:07am
I don't think this works as well as it could. The speaker and the relationships are not clear and could be clearer. Maybe give "her" a name to. A mother's love: for whom has it gone sour? I like the idea of the last line. I assume it's about what 'he" notices, and pays attention to. It could be more powerful if we had a greater glimpse of who these two are.
Comment by Joseph Lupoli on May 14, 2010 at 6:31am
Things don't seem very promising for that girl. But on the bright side, people have been known to recover from such abusive upbringings. Tight six!
Comment by jkdavies on May 14, 2010 at 2:22am
feels very claustrophobic - great!
Comment by Erin Cole on May 14, 2010 at 2:03am
I really like what you have to say here-it is profound and eloquent in its message, but I felt the rhyming took away from it. Maybe if the format was setup more like a poem, it would feel different. I'm not a poet, or even that good of a writer, so do remember that when or if you take this comment into consideration.

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