Message: Intolerable

[Jared Handley]

I recognize how simple it is: I could block your Facebook statuses, ignore your comments, or just not get on facebook so often; I could.

 

Yes I know, you all are in college and the world is unfolding before you in such vibrant newness that you can see clearly that you are indeed the first responders to the emergency that is "Societal Ills" against which you and your indie bands and expensive, hydroponic, trust-fund-caliber weed are Earth's only hope.

 

I understand that these musicians preaching your cause--the duty you all share to save the world from the ignoramuses who have gone before you--yes, those illustrious mush-mouthed, meth-thin, Hippie Lights who all "sing" as if they are being forced to do so, while wearing a gag, are speaking the words of the gods, and that is why they make no sense -- not because they are incoherent morons.

 

You know Voltaire quotes and have original insights about the words of Sartre (and you pronounce it Sahhhh), because you really are a nihilist (though you're actually talking about absurdism or existentialism the majority of the time), because in Big Lebowski -- which you and your friends believe is a "cult" hit, despite its mainstream popularity beginning when you were in grade school  -- you learned nihilists "believe in nothing" and though you have infinite causes, they are all rooted in your belief of nothingness ... ummm?

 

I realize that to you, political truths are so absolute and black-and-white that you KNOW 100% freedom is the only way, even though after five minutes of actual anarchy you'd need a diaper change.

 

I also realize that I'm just a few years older than you and have a sense of entitlement because I'm married, with a daughter, have been a voter and tax payer since before you were in college and that even I am sometimes too absolute in my beliefs even if diplomatic in acts, but now you understand this: I'm about yay close to taking you out back and spanking your ass raw until you learn a little goddamn respect.

 

 

 

 

I wrote this rant so I wouldn't have to destroy someone's evening by telling them personally. Thanks for your time.

[Sissy Anderson]

Best fucking rant I've heard in a while!

[Jamie Hogan]

Great writing cleverly disguised as a red-faced rant. Let me second Bill - Facebook is a steaming pile. Just a bunch of people who can't accept that their lives, like 99% of the rest of us, are BORING, and nothing anybody wants updates on.

[Jared Handley]

Bill: "Then again, I'd hate to run across my college self at this point in my life; I'd probably spank my own ass raw.  4.  Being a fan of certain indie bands and a certain amount of hydro, I gotta say: dude, it's not our fault!  :) (Is there a hydro emoticon?  Cause there oughta be.)  "

 

I wish I had written all of that! I listen to many indie bands as well, but (as seems the case with you) don't consider myself to be somehow enlightened as a result. And actually, the girl who leads the brigadiers of inspiration for this is very sweet, but also has difficulty accepting that being extremely liberal doesn't exempt her from being closed-minded. So, yes, I'm glad I didn't unload on her.

 

Thanks all for the read, by the way!

[Bill Floyd]

Good gravy, there's a lot more to work through here than in the usual rant.  

1.  I'm personally conflicted about WikiLeaks--I feel like some of the information has been of value, some of it dangerous, etc.  I wish our national journalism hadn't been so de-fanged that something like this comes across as legit to impressionable minds.  2. Yeah, do yourself a favor and limit your Fbook time.  Idiocy has found a platform.  3.  Certainly sounds like the target of your scorn is an asshole.  Then again, I'd hate to run across my college self at this point in my life; I'd probably spank my own ass raw.  4.  Being a fan of certain indie bands and a certain amount of hydro, I gotta say: dude, it's not our fault!  :) (Is there a hydro emoticon?  Cause there oughta be.)  

 

Above all, well-written.  And you showed some good judgment by putting this here instead of going off on the offender.  They sound like the sort whose skull is too think to be penetrated anyhow.   

[Glen Green]

That'll teach em. Refreshing!

[Brittany]

This is like a really pissed off HoHo snack cake Jared. The first and last sentence are the yummy chocolate outside and the middle is just delicious rage filled cream. lol. Every bite is an explosion, spank n' all.

[Stephen Torelli]

This an excellent way to rid your anger; maybe I'll try it instead a a Cuban (cigar) and a cognac, but I like that too.

[Harry]

Great rant Jared!

[Michael Brown]

Next HoW we must talk, and you must show me how keep from turning red while saying something like this because every time I feel the need to do so, I feel something bubbling behind my eyes before I finish, and if I stop for a breath, I usually lose the momentum. Brilliant indeed.

[Sandra Davies]

Stylish rant - and what really pisses off me about it is that I know you could have  spoken it as well as it is written, whereas I would have been in snotty, gulping, incoherent tears before the end of first sentence...