Come & Play

[Teresa]

It was simple to make friends when we were children, just a knock on a strange door we thought belonged to some kid in our class whose name we barely knew and Can she/he come out and play?

 

This is what I am thinking as Katrina stands in my kitchen for the first time, sipping green tea, discussing what life was like overseas, how well our children play together.  So far we know we are both into health and fitness, eat organic produce, adore books and movies, and have autistic boys -- nothing like the base connectors of two six or sixteen year olds; our ends are far more complex than they used to be, like Legos now sprouting wildly patterned nubs or scarred Barbies with a history of substance abuse. 

 

At least I feel comfortable with Katrina which is the first step toward the sort of friendship I've longed for since my best friend died thirteen years ago, and though I've secretly "interviewed" others I've never felt the soulful chemistry I had with Deedee, the feeling that grew like a second skin around us for eighteen years.  Then I wonder if it will take that long to build again with our too many bags of crazy Legos and Barbie dolls with missing heads because I really don't have eighteen years to spare or worse, what if I never find it again? 

 

I look at the clock and three hours have passed unnoticed. 

[Joe Gensle]

Great. One can't characterize your writing above as anything but great. For, who can draft so compelling a work that it grabs deep in the core of each of us AND provokes us to comment. Congratulations on your continued inarguable success as a Writer, T. You're the center-pole in my 6S tent.

[Angela]

Sounds promising.  I say drag out those damaged toys and good luck building something playful.

I read most of the discussion here, and want to say that having friends of any sort is pretty miraculous.  I think getting invited to someone's  house for coffee is a serious treat.  I don't consider myself closely connected but to a tiny number of people (maybe three - and two of those I talk to rarely), but the reason for that may be the capacity of my life.  This issue bothers me a lot.

[Teresa]

Don't misunderstand.  I have some dear friends, three I'm very, very close to - like sisters.  Deedee was just beyond that, like food meets hunger or a blanket meets cold only the comfort was always, always there.  And it never felt like need, just natural, as easy as loving our children.  Feels like home.  Thanks all for the comments.  Maybe if we all lived in the same neighborhood we could stop "interviewing"...ha. 

[bolton carley]

interviewing friends.  been doing that for years now.  love the playing barbies comparison.  after reading these comments, i didn't realize there were so many of us looking for those friends.  i have a husband who's my best friend but i often tell him that i don't have the right kind of female friends around me.  i had gotten to the point that maybe i just don't fit in, but now i'm wondering if friendship is just harder now.  mmm...

[Toby Tucker Hecht]

I have only 2 real friends who I love and would do anything for.  But I would love to have more.  At my age, it's really hard.  No one seems to have the time or commitment anymore for friends.  Neighborhoods no longer exist and once the kids are grown and gone, the connection with our children's friends parents also breaks.  Are people more self-centered than they used to be???  I wonder about this sometime.

[Gita]

I have a friend who reads Montaigne recreationally and I was always in awe because I found him hard slogging. (We had to read passages in the original French in high school.)  But now you make me want to go back and try again.

[Teresa]

This about says it:

"...what we commonly call friends and frienships are no more than acquaintanceships and familiarities, contracted either by chance or for advantage, which have brought our minds together.  In the friendship I [had] they mix and blend one into the other in so perfect a union that the seam which has joined them is effaced and disappears.  If I were pressed to say why I love him, I feel that my only reply could be:  'Because it was he, because it was I.'..We found ourselves so captivated, so familiar, so bound to one another, that from that time nothing was closer to either than each was to the other...Having so short a time to live...it had no time to lose, and none in which to conform to the regular pattern of those mild friendships that require so many precautions in the form of long preliminary intercourse.  Such a friendship has no model but itself, and can only be compared to itself...Since the day when I lost him, I have dragged out but a languishing existence, and even such pleasures as come to me, far from consoling me, redouble my grief for his loss.  We were equal partners in everything, and I seem to be robbing him of his share.  I had grown so accustomed to be his second self in everything that now I seem to be no more than half a man.  There is no action or thought of mine in which I do not miss him, as he would have missed me.  For just as he infinitely surpassed me in every other talent and virtue, so did he also in the duties of friendship."  Michel Eyquem Montaigne 

[Cita]

Beautiful write.  Beautiful.  You make us root for you.  "our ends are far more complex thatn they used to be, like Legos now sprouting wildly patterned nubs," is BRILLIANT.

And I totally agree with Gita.  It is so weird to have a friend, know all about her life, but she never once reaches out to you.  I actually coach my kids on this when we talk on the phone.  I listen for a long time, and then say, "Now, ask about the other person in the relationship/conversation!"  (Should I also coach my MOTHER?)

[Gita]

oh boy, do I EVER identify with this. I could just hug you for this post. You know what is my test for whether someone will be a "heart" friend? I mean, beyond the common interests and liking each other's sense of humor/intelligence? Does she care about what is going on in my life. It sounds so simple, but I can't count the number of times I've called someone and listened for 20 minutes to all her problems/activities and she never ONCE wanted to know about my life. That is very telling.

[Joe Gensle]

"...unnoticed"  There's the pivotal affirmation that Katrina and you are clicking on the necessary levels :)  And I hope your paths continue to parallel. As to Mike's comment, I've (mileage) distanced myself from my long-term (ala decades) friends, and it is difficult. I pray you find your DeeDee....and wonder if Katrina isn't Heaven-sent from her!