I keep Kerry's wallet in a ziplock bag. Seven years later, it still smells of worn leather and stale Marlboro Reds. I can't remember where it turned up or how I got it, but I have it. I think he left it in his unlocked car along with a duffel bag filled with notebooks, newspapers and dirty clothes.
The first time I opened his billfold, he had $137.00 dollar tucked neatly inside. A one-hundred dollar bill, one ten, two fives, and the rest singles. Days later, the hundred dollar bill was gone. Maybe somebody needed it more than Kerry. Maybe Kerry owed them money. I don't know why someone took it. It bothered me a lot back then. I'm sort of numb to it now.
Along side his cash, are four photo's of his year-old son Jackson, dressed in red. In three of the photo's Jackson is smiling, a big, toothless grin. In the other, he is peaking out from under a blanket, full of wonderment and awe.
Kerry saved his ATM receipts. His last withdrawal of $20.00, posted on May 24th, left him a balance of $87.81. Two, double folded metro north train receipts show he and a guest rode from Greenwich to Grand Central - one way, off peak.
He kept evidence of pensive purchases made at Pathmark, Home Depot, Staples and Models. Cashier Marnie noted that it was "A Pleasure to Serve Him" and that cash refunds were with receipt only.
In the center of his top-grain, cowhide wallet, directly behind his drivers license, he kept a Detectives Endowment Association Card issued by the City of New York's Police Department, Zig-Zag papers, a Blockbuster rewards card, three bank cards, and a Chinese, "good luck" red envelope with his name written on it.
To the side he tucked a few business-cards from notable people or places he had been, along with an original copy of his brides second trimester sonogram; a first glimpse at his son, in utero, sucking his thumb.
A CVS receipt proves his intent to obtain over the counter sleeping pills. On May 27th, 2002 at 12:14 am, he spent $31.77 on two, 32-capsule packages of rapid release Unisom, and one, 72-capsule package of quick release Nytol.
On March 26, 2002, Connecticut held a classic lotto drawing worth 6 million dollars. Kerry purchased two, $5.00 quick picks - which tells me that, on this day, he was hopeful.
Especially during this holiday season, please take the time to reach out to those who may be suffering. To listen, validate, comfort, and be present with them. Allow them to be vulnerable, honest, and awake; and engage them with hope.
In Honor and In Memory
Kerry Ryan Magann
Because you asked us to tell your son that you had some good, and I promise to tell the world.