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What can YOU say in six sentences?
I Smell a Facebook Status Getting Updated.
Shanika tells me that I need to get some life in me.
There is life in me though. I'm the same as ever. It's all right there.
I just don't feel it. There is a detachment, and there is a space, a surrounding distance, and that is what I feel. I can see it, and I know that it is real as a document of myself. But what I feel is the ongoing gap between the life in me and me because this is where I cut you out of me.
666666
Seeing my life as a document allowed for a more practical critique of the real life that I have been living and excluding the infinite spectrum of potential life, mechanations, and fantasies. I began to ask myself why this hurt so much and why I had so much resentment. I began to see the pain and resentments as collateral damage to what I had done to myself. So much of what I have done to myself has been done with you - you and yours - through no fault of your own. And when I saw these things even the question of why and instead of what had I done to myself. Then the pain didn't prompt questions, because the pain itself was the answer.
666666
This was how I stopped questioning the pain and the resentments. This was when I stopped oblidging myself endlessly into reproach and on into thoughts of how nice it would be to contract some sort of fungal meningitis accidentally from a steroid shot and just get a pass on it all. It may well be that I do. But when I think about all the ways that I hurt you, innumerable and undue, I really want my spine to die and take me with it. Collateral damage - just take the pain and resentment ments, the mechanations and fantasies, the times he's poured you wine and kissed your face. It'd be perfect.
There is life in me though. I'm the same as ever. It's all right there.
I just don't feel it. There is a detachment, and there is a space, a surrounding distance, and that is what I feel. I can see it, and I know that it is real as a document of myself. But what I feel is the ongoing gap between the life in me and me because this is where I cut you out of me.
666666
Seeing my life as a document allowed for a more practical critique of the real life that I have been living and excluding the infinite spectrum of potential life, mechanations, and fantasies. I began to ask myself why this hurt so much and why I had so much resentment. I began to see the pain and resentments as collateral damage to what I had done to myself. So much of what I have done to myself has been done with you - you and yours - through no fault of your own. And when I saw these things even the question of why and instead of what had I done to myself. Then the pain didn't prompt questions, because the pain itself was the answer.
666666
This was how I stopped questioning the pain and the resentments. This was when I stopped oblidging myself endlessly into reproach and on into thoughts of how nice it would be to contract some sort of fungal meningitis accidentally from a steroid shot and just get a pass on it all. It may well be that I do. But when I think about all the ways that I hurt you, innumerable and undue, I really want my spine to die and take me with it. Collateral damage - just take the pain and resentment ments, the mechanations and fantasies, the times he's poured you wine and kissed your face. It'd be perfect.
Comment
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Comment by David Brown on October 11, 2012 at 9:54am -
thanks - I am conflicted over my style. It comes off autobiographical - my own fault for using "I" so much but also people do tend to journalize their sad stuff under the guise of creative writing.. But rest assured I keep my real business to myself.
I appreciate your read and thoughts as always. Take care
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Comment by Angela on October 10, 2012 at 7:24pm -
Hard to comment on something so personal. Snugly written and conveys the mood very well.
© 2013 Created by Robert McEvily.
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