What can YOU say in six sentences?
It was time to crown the Shelby County Watermelon Queen of 2012, and Teeny had set her jaw to win the title.
Due to a scarcity of lovely contestants between the ages of 18-25 (caused by a brain drain away to Beauty School in Atlanta and the new drug-testing requirement) the title was open to women of all ages as long as they paid the $35 entry fee.
“What do you have to do to win,?” I asked somewhat skeptically, knowing Teeny had no pageant-appropriate talents, and she possessed the charm equivalent of a cholla cactus.
Teeny went down to the church basement, her hair in a fluffy halo around her face and a smear of her sister’s stolen lipstick accentuating her least attractive feature, a hardware store of a smile.
For her talent, Teeny lined up a row of small buckets at the edge of the stage, stepped back ten paces, and spat watermelon seeds flawlessly into each bucket in turn with a decisive ping -- which brought a wall of applause from the audience.
But: When asked her “personality question,” which was “How can we use watermelons to end world hunger,” Teeny looked at the judges (including school Principal “halitosis” DeLosis) and said, “Bitch, ain’t y’all already figured out that you give everyone a melon and just tell ‘em to replant the seeds?”