Rheuma-TROLL-ogist

[Teresa]

I made an appointment with a new doctor, a rheumatologist with a web cam at the front desk which takes photographs of all new patients, most of them two or three decades older than I am.

 

After answering questions about family history and joint pain -- I come from a bunch of alcoholic, HLA-B27 positive arthritic English, Irish, Native American Indians, aka, a gene pool of self-loathing autoimmunity -- I sat in an exam room decorated with fake plants, mauve vinyl and a picture of Jesus washing Peter's feet.  

 

I realized the doctor would be examining my feet and hands, the big toe and thumb joints, and that although I didn't need Jesus to make me clean, I seriously needed a mani- and pedicure.

 

Dr. H. was young and chubby beneath his buttoned white coat, cocky in a Geraldo Rivera sort of way, and after dancing a gooey probe over a few joints and showing off his command of rare connective tissue medical terminology, he asked me to bend over to assess spine mobility. 

 

As he peered down the waist gap of my True Religions, at the crack of my not-so-supermodel-ass, I wished I'd worn lacy panties instead of the the boxy girl's version of Fruit of the Looms, then he said, "I think you're suffering from Ank-Spon" and I thought I'd heard "Anx Spawn", a body awareness anxiety but no, he was referring to ankylosing spondylitis, a fancy word for inflammation which involves adhesions like cement glue spiderwebs, in other words, yee-fucking-haw. 

 

I declined his offer of pain drugs, left with only an MRI order and a mental image of Dr. H. as a plump sadistic troll I intend to conquer with a starch-free diet and kilos of NSAIDs.

[Mike Handley]

Reminds me a bit of Ricky Gervais as Louie CK's physician/friend. At least he didn't call in the nurse to look at your cracks. Is it just me, or does the word "rheumatologist" invoke visions of Donald Rumsfeld in gray scrubs?

[Joey Delgado]

This six had me busting up laughing. The phrase 'kilos of NSAIDs' is awesome, because 'kilos' has a stigma of being used to represent mass for the really hardocre drugs, the kind drugs piled atop Scarface's desk, but instead yours will be piled high with ibuprofen. But Gita is correct, risk for GI problems and escessive bleeding abound if too much are taken.

 

Also, line #2 seemed very literary to me with the well-crafted family medical history, fake plants,  and the painting of Jesus washing Peter's feet. That sentence is like the iceburg that sunk the Titanic, you have what's visible to the reader, then so much more beneath the surface. Well done. :)

[Gita]

Just go easy on the NSAIDs, girl. That's how I got my stomach ulcers.

I don't know who this Simon is, putting you into a demophilistine, but he clearly doesn't know you!

Also, I am SO stealing self-loathing autoimmunity. My mother had rheum-arthritis, and autoimmunity is a special brand of hell. Take care, ok?

 

[Teresa]

Thanks Bill.  And Simon, this is mostly a whine.  I'm looking for sympathy...;-)  But "mommie-latte'-choca-frappa-diaper demographic"?  God, I hope not.  If so, wake me when it's over. 

[Simon Halliday]

I like this. It's not major lit but its engaging, funny and observant.

I would imagine if you did this quality twenty times a week, you'd be a major national blogstress for the mommie-latté-choca-frappa-diaper demographic.

[Bill Floyd]

"...a gene pool of self-loathing autoimmunity" is the sort of completely unprecedented phrase that kind of rules my world.  And your declining of the pain drugs, juxtaposed with your self-consciousness in the exam room (shouldn't there be some sort of rule that all physicians--even the troll-y, chubby ones--must be sexually non-threatening? if for no other reason than that then they'll quit marrying writers? :-)) suggests that you're the link that break the genetic chain and rewire it in more positive directions.