Goin' Nuclear

[Bill Lapham]

So we were out practicing how to launch nuclear missiles from our submarine and I’m thinking this is a really dumb thing to do because even before Carl Sagan said all that shit about nuke’s causing a “nuclear winter,” I was thinking about all the radioactive contamination we’d spread all over the face of the earth; but that was back when we practiced ripple shots, launching all sixteen missiles (I know, we carry 24 now, but this was back then) in a ripple starting forward on the port side and aft on the starboard side and launching them one at a time working aft on the port side and forward on the starboard side until they were all gone on their way to their targets somewhere in the Soviet Union, probably a city or two, because they really weren’t accurate enough to hit something as small as a missile silo (like they can today), and besides, even if they could hit a missile silo, then they would be considered first strike-type weapons (considered at the time to be politically destabilizing, but not now for some reason) and we couldn’t have those issuing forth from a submerged submarine, the location of which nobody knew and nobody could find even if they were trying, and believe me they were trying, but they couldn’t find us because in the old days we were way quieter than they were and we could hear them coming and when we heard them coming we scooted off the other way, out of range of their sonar, but never out of range of their cities, therefore, we were a retaliatory strike asset, one that might be used after the other side, those communistically skewed Soviets, launched first.

Ours was not a strategy of preemption back then, at least not that I knew of, and I, ladies and gentlemen, was nobody, and still am.

So, from a simpleton's perspective, I propose a new rule: begin all wars with a peace conference. The next new rule should be: don’t fight until the peace conference ends. And from those two rules follows logically: don’t end the peace conference until all belligerents sign the peace treaty.

But that won’t happen, I know, I'm not naive, it’s wishful thinking, and besides, it’s too much trouble when nobody is going to use the worthless fucking things anyway because whether we dropped one or a dozen on the most likely target today, North Korea, the dirt and dust and clouds of radioactivity that would blossom into the air in a beautiful display of man’s ingenuity would waft over China, South Korea, and/or Japan, or all three of our biggest trading partners, and absolutely fuck-up their day, too, so, you know, that ain’t going to happen – useless is what they are, and so fucking expensive God’s archangels, Michael, Gabriel, Leonardo, combined, couldn't  afford ‘em, so we ought to just get rid of them.  

[Gita]

How come no one ever mentions Uriel when invoking archangels? You guys.

Yes to everything said below. Specifically, I wonder why you included the following: and I, ladies and gentlemen, was nobody, and still am. You are not nobody. You are the witness.  Without the voice of the witness there would be no story. If not for you, how would we know about the volley of missiles fired fore and aft and port and starboard? That is the kind of detail that gives the piece authenticity and gives YOU the authority to voice an opinion about the useful/useless nature of nukes.

 

[Joey Delgado]

Fantastic. Must say, your peace treaty plan would be ideal. 

Ditto Paul.

[Angela]

Bill, you cut like a knife.  I say let's go with Paul's idea.

[Bill Lapham]

There you go, Paul. Nuf said right there, brother.

[Paul de Denus]

The sad thing is where do we put them- I propose we fire them into deep deep space and wake up God.