God Stopped In For Some Ice Cream x 2

[Robert Crisman]

The Line Ran Out the Door

"Burger King, man," God said with disgust, "I go in for some ice cream, alright, an' it musta been National Shit Food Day, somethin', because I swear to God, it's all these damn people, man, mommy an' daddy an' ten million kids, an' they're down there blowin' the mortgage or somethin' orderin' the store, an' it's Whoppers an' french fries an' Joey wants six, an' Mary wants pickles, an' Jimmy, the works, an' how 'bout a bib for Billy the ding-dong pickin' his nose an' wipin' it off on the old man's pants over there?

"An' meanwhile, kids yellin' an' bawlin' an' screamin'--an' these women, man, Jesus in heaven, they ain't never ready when time comes to pay, like they didn't know it was comin' or somethin', an' they dive in their purse, an' it's just like they jumped in the ocean, I swear, way deep down in there, they shoulda had snorkels, an' they rummage around for forty-five minutes an' finally come up with the Visa, which is to say, they ain't never got cash or nothin' like that, 'cause why speed things up so we can get done in our lifetime, you know? 

"So they run the card through an' we're waitin' an' waitin', card finally comes through an' it's good--or it ain't, in which case she's pissin' an' moanin' an' eight more days wasted, an' it's this an' it's that, an' she gets the card back an' shoves it back in with the sea kelp an' shit, an' gathers her other crap up off the counter, her car keys an' diapers an' travel brochures an' whatever the fuck, an' she's fumblin' around an' she drops half the shit, an' so then she gotta get down there to pick it all up, an' she's sortin' it out on the floor--an' her cell phone goes off! An' the thing's playin' tunes, man, from Broadway or somethin', an' she reaches to get it an' drops some more stuff an'--people're dyin' in line, for Chrissake, like from hunger, heart attack, fuckin' old age, an' two guys had strokes, an' me, by this time I'm flyin' on acid.

"Finally, finally, she gets her stuff up of the ground an' the world starts back breathin', they give her a number, she goes an' sits down, next fuckin' dingbat,the line gets to movin'--like glaciers. Sun rises, sun sets, this one little broad in the line, she was six when I got there, you check her out now an' she's got a bra on, size 38D, I mean tits like bazookas, she's ready  to bust out her shirt, man, I swear, an' she's fine, an' too bad I'm gorked on this acid trip, brother, 'cause fine as she is, the broad looks like Bronco Nagurski an', man..." 

 

They Had Whoppers On Special

"So anyway," God said, "finally, we're almost up to the front, just the one group of time-wastin' gobbledy-gookers ahead of me now, big giggly gang of middle school broads an' their lardcan-ass boyfriend, an' they're gonna order--but first, they gotta consult, make sure they really know what they want, or they're in the right place, or some fuckin' thing, I dunno, so they huddle, an' keep sneakin' peeks at the sign that got all the prices, an' they whisper an' giggle, an' tee hee hee hee, an' they huddle some more an', what the fuck is this, a quarterback sneak or some goddamn thing?

"They didn't nail it before they stepped in the line, of course, 'cause that's way too simple. an' shamed as I am to admit it, I didn't make 'em that way, like with elementary brains or nothin' like that, oh fuck no, there musta been some kinda glitch in the system or some Goddamn thing, 'cause they get to the room where they're passin' out brains, the woodchucks been through an' snatched up the last ones they had, an' whoever I had on the desk at the time tells 'em tough an' sends 'em on down, an' they wander around like hoboes or somethin', an' then they get hungry an', time to grease down, an' it's on to the Burger King, man!--them an' the rest of the clowns in the world.

"An' the dude with them girls, man, I swear to God, he's five feet both ways, looks like he just ate Wyoming or somethin', tell him haul ass it takes him two trips an' he sends for the rest with a truck, an' so you know he's orderin' the franchise, they're shippin' in cows an' killin' 'em down in the basement an' stuff, an' it's hours an' hours to write this shit down--an' then finally, man, finally, it's my turn, I'm, gimme my ice cream--an' that's when dude drops the bad news.

"He tells me, 'we got no ice cream at Burger King, man, shoulda checked out the sign, but hey, man, I'm here to help, so how 'bout a Whopper, 'cause we got a special on those...'"

I'd been busted out laughing for days, and I told him, "Homes, you shoulda just huddled with Tubby and them and saved yourself some heartache and grief, and it's--there you are crouched in the middle, dude calls a double reverse and sends you out long to Baskin and Robbins and--"

"Man, eat me," God said, "an' lemme tell you, I'm tired of all this honky-tonk bullshit you rooties got goin' on earth; I put up with a lot, an' even put up with Cheney an' them, but this shit, at Burger King, man--y'all got another flood comin'."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Angela]

In our household, we all agree that this piece of writing is a totally objective report of something that really happened.  We were there, but unfortunately, did not recognize God.  He must have been behind us.  We were the couple with the husband who tries to order for them both and the wife who interrupts and corrects everything he says.

[Gita]

By the time your reader gets to "an' shoves it back in with the sea kelp" it's time to wipe up the coffee that came out her nose onto the keyboard and let the laugh cramps subside. Fuckin' A, man, you speak the TRUTH! What is UP with people who stand in line a half hour and then get surprised that they have to hand money to the cashier? I hate them.  I love this.

[Mike Handley]

You should consider writing for stand-up comedians. This is side-splitting stuff, Homes.