For Immediate Release

[Bill Floyd]

RE: AmeriValue's Settlement with the U.S. Department of Justice:

AmeriValue Corporation, on behalf of its shareholders and subsidiaries, is pleased to announce that a landmark settlement agreement has been reached between the company and the United States government with regards to compensation for victims of the so-called "Red Thursday" incident that occurred late in 2012.  It should be noted that while terms of the settlement explicitly state that AmeriValue admits no responsibility for the incident (thereby insulating AmeriValue and its shareholders and subsidiaries from any further legal action, civil or criminal), AmeriValue has nonetheless, in a historically significant example of corporate responsibility, agreed to set aside approximately $800 million in earnings to establish a trust that will act partially as a victims' fund, said trust to be administered by the accounting firm of Dagny & Rand, PLLC, one of Wall Street's most reliable financial institutions.  AmeriValue could not be more sincere in our sympathies for the approximately 2,046,871 victims of the disaster, and although illegally leaked internal memos suggest that AmeriValue's own studies warned that certain methodologies would inevitably result in ecological disaster and the loss of human life, our board specifically sanctioned said studies as "speculative" in nature, and we hasten to remind certain hyperbolic media outlets that thousands of jobs--including employment for many of those directly affected--were created by our ventures before the unfortunate and completely unforeseeable events of "Red Thursday" and the subsequent collapse into the Atlantic Ocean of much of the Eastern seaboard of the United States, and that any assertion that AmeriValue's activities were the primary cause of said collapse reflect the opinion of only a sector of the scientific community.  As the honorable Senator John Galt (R-TX), Chairman of the Red Thursday Commission, said during hearings into the events at hand: "A 98% consensus means there's still 2% room for error, and I for one am not willing to completely discount the prerogatives of job creation and wealth generation until there is absolute certainty."  As for the 80% increase in spontaneous pulmonary collapse among survivors and their offspring within the radius of the impact zones, AmeriValue refutes any connection between our use of high-risk chemical agents and said conditions as coincidental until conclusively proven otherwise.  Finally, with regard to leaked internal documents that conclusively prove otherwise, these documents are the sole property of AmeriValue Corp., and their leaking to the news media represents a gross violation of internal corporate communications rules, and the Department of Justice has agreed that such persons as are found to have been involved in the transferring of said documentation into the public realm will, upon discovery, be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.                     

[Joey Delgado]

Sinister. Love the evil senator, the handshaking and backslapping going on between AmeriValue and the government (all subtext, of course), and the efficient, consciousless Spin Doctor. This could be a book. Really enjoyed reading this.

[Michael Brown]

You seem to get involved in one huge tome after another.  I'm betting you picked up Atlas Shrugged immediately after Mason & Dixon (that is, unless you managed to slip in Remembrance of Things Past  or a Don DeLillo title in between!). How do you find the time?

[Teresa]

AmeriValue.  Job creation and wealth generation.  2,046,871 victims, plus the 80% increase in lung collapse among survivors and their offspring -- all worth $800 million, no more, and you better not violate internal corporate communications rules or else.  Hmmm...  And who is John Galt?  Just kidding.  And why must he be from Texas??  Ha.  You know, this is just too real.  I was thinking about something at a red light today, something my mother insisted was true that I've always fought which is:  Life's not fair.  Maybe it's not so damaging to believe this.  Maybe it's much more damaging not to believe it.  What a shame.  Excellent work.  You could easily have been a lawyer, if you'd chosen the low road.  Faved.

[Jadie Jones]

Brilliant. The story unfolds without ever a direct nod. It's so believable it's spooky

[Ron. Lavalette]

oh yeah, I forgot to applaud the Galt in my 1st comment.  Let me do that now, while I Fave.

[Robert Crisman]

Also, I liked the way you showed how the whole pro-corporate structure is kept nailed in place, as with the naming of the, uh, honorable John Galt as Chair of the Red Thursday Commission. Every last form of democracy honored and nothing but breach as far as the eye can see!

[Robert Crisman]

You got them down to the syllable. They write that way for any lawyers who might be thinking of stirring up shit, the portion of the public pre-disposed to lick their nuts in the first place, and all those potential hostiles whose eyes, they figure, will start to glaze over by the time they reach sentence two and say fuck it. Dopefiends lie in much the same way, hoping the cops will drop off to sleep...

[Gita]

"John Galt." Perfect choice.

And yes, it does sound like something Haliburton could plausibly put forth and yes, i does sound like something BP DID put forth.  All in all brilliant and chilling. *fave*

[Ron. Lavalette]

Almost perfect.  One flaw: the print's too big.

[Angela]

Sounds like it came straight from the spin room.  You had me wondering how I missed Red Thursday for some time.  I did a Google just to make sure. =)

I think writing this kind of thing helps develop skills that transfer to other kinds of writing.  You did a great job.