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RE: AmeriValue's Settlement with the U.S. Department of Justice:
AmeriValue Corporation, on behalf of its shareholders and subsidiaries, is pleased to announce that a landmark settlement agreement has been reached between the company and the United States government with regards to compensation for victims of the so-called "Red Thursday" incident that occurred late in 2012. It should be noted that while terms of the settlement explicitly state that AmeriValue admits no responsibility for the incident (thereby insulating AmeriValue and its shareholders and subsidiaries from any further legal action, civil or criminal), AmeriValue has nonetheless, in a historically significant example of corporate responsibility, agreed to set aside approximately $800 million in earnings to establish a trust that will act partially as a victims' fund, said trust to be administered by the accounting firm of Dagny & Rand, PLLC, one of Wall Street's most reliable financial institutions. AmeriValue could not be more sincere in our sympathies for the approximately 2,046,871 victims of the disaster, and although illegally leaked internal memos suggest that AmeriValue's own studies warned that certain methodologies would inevitably result in ecological disaster and the loss of human life, our board specifically sanctioned said studies as "speculative" in nature, and we hasten to remind certain hyperbolic media outlets that thousands of jobs--including employment for many of those directly affected--were created by our ventures before the unfortunate and completely unforeseeable events of "Red Thursday" and the subsequent collapse into the Atlantic Ocean of much of the Eastern seaboard of the United States, and that any assertion that AmeriValue's activities were the primary cause of said collapse reflect the opinion of only a sector of the scientific community. As the honorable Senator John Galt (R-TX), Chairman of the Red Thursday Commission, said during hearings into the events at hand: "A 98% consensus means there's still 2% room for error, and I for one am not willing to completely discount the prerogatives of job creation and wealth generation until there is absolute certainty." As for the 80% increase in spontaneous pulmonary collapse among survivors and their offspring within the radius of the impact zones, AmeriValue refutes any connection between our use of high-risk chemical agents and said conditions as coincidental until conclusively proven otherwise. Finally, with regard to leaked internal documents that conclusively prove otherwise, these documents are the sole property of AmeriValue Corp., and their leaking to the news media represents a gross violation of internal corporate communications rules, and the Department of Justice has agreed that such persons as are found to have been involved in the transferring of said documentation into the public realm will, upon discovery, be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.