Fecal Economics (Unsavory. Necessary. Timely?)

[Joe Gensle]

The upper and lower shelves on 30 yards of the toilet paper aisle have me on T.P.-labelling overwhelm: 12 Rolls=24 or 36 or 48, Quilted, Triple-Soft, Softest, Double-Strength, Strongest, Scented, Textured, Quilted, and combinations, therein... and do you really think I care which roll my hand grabs in those indelicate moments of extreme need?

If Consumer's Reports has done an analysis of the wisest choices for the papered complement to the porcelain saddle, I haven't seen it or heard about it. My puchasing decision dilemma on the toilet paper aisle is moot once they price the stuff per pound because it doesn't take a math genius to know we're paying for all that air in every fluffy roll.

Those tire-sized rolls in some public facilities offer enough paper for shitloads of visits but you also know that it's so thin you could lay that paper across the classified ads and they'd still be legible.

Why not consider the diaper pail concept of old, using diluted mouthwash (follow low-bottom drunks to the cheapie mouthwash sale at Walgreen's) or vinegar to keep from blinding yourself from lid-lift fumes, and how great it would be for recycling old tee-shirts--maybe dollar-store sales of cheap-o washrags you can quarter--with the collateral benefit of how little overnight company and entertaining you'd suffer once word got out about your commitment to EcoFecoGreenOnomics.

The pail system seems a better option than having the plumber reconfigure my bathroom pipes for ass-recycling of the daily newspaper since Sears catalogs have gone by the wayside (and probably caused paper cuts).  

[Gita]

I am here to comment on your newest post about the emergence of fonditas around Phoenix, since that piece won't allow me to post my remarks. You made my mouth water (remember, I'm NOT talking about this fecal post!) and I could see and smell the sidewalk vendors' wares. The opening sentence hooked me. Nice Six.

[Jamie Hogan]

I wonder if anyone has done this analysis. Get it. "Anal" ysis.

 

Aaaaaaaaaaand goodnight! Funny stuff Joe. Loved the "so thin...classifieds..." line. Stuff will chaffe you, too.

[Teresa]

I was indeed thinking about toilet paper today.  I was considering texture and weight.  What I would really enjoy is tiny creatures cleaning the netherlands with soapy bubbles, then rinsing and drying us off, powdering a little, singing a happy songe then sending us on our merry way.  They would be professionals and the process would take less than three minutes.  It would be like a carwash only we're seated and comfortable, stationary and content.  "So I have to hire new nether-washers.  Mine are confused - rinsing then drying before sudsing or, singing then sudsing then drying and rinsing.  It's a mess."