Doing Bird

[Bob Clay]

When I entered the pet shop I spotted a fairly small cage with a sad looking parrot in it and in an effort to cheer him up I told him what a lovely boy he was to which he replied, “Fuck off.”

Feeling a bit put out I offered to buy a new larger cage and take him home to live with me and he cocked his head to one side and said, “Let’s see, either I stay in this cage, not big enough to swing a dead humming bird in and where I have to stand on a twig all day over my own toilet with only a stupid fucking bell and a distorted mirror to amuse me, or go live with a total wanker like you ... oh wow, I’ll have to think about that for ten milliseconds or so,  ahhh, I’ve thought about it ... fuck off.”

I moved past him and wondered whether or not I should get a hamster, or maybe a rabbit but I was inexplicably drawn back to the parrot.

“Look, I’ll offer you an even better deal, I’ll buy you and set you free and you can fly high in the sky and go away and live in a forest or something.”

He shrugged his shoulders, or whatever passes for shoulders on a parrot and said, “Oh that’s a great plan, considering I’ve been in this cage for years and have all the flying ability of a sack of super compressed  shit tied to the anchor of a super tanker and wouldn’t even know where to start on feeding myself, like I said, fuck off.”

I decided I didn’t want a pet after all and was about to leave when the pet shop owner came out from the back but before he could say anything the parrot shouted, “Well I’ll be an egg in an omelette now there’s two wankers in the shop, this day just gets worse and worse, fuck off the pair of you.”

[Mike Handley]

HOWL!