Bills Paid

[Tessa Scoffs]

He wrote out his checks for the last time, afixed the stamps and clipped them to his rusty wrought iron mailbox for pickup. He washed his bowl and spoon and took out the trash. He put one bullet into his handgun and sat on his bed to think. He peeked out his bedroom window at the family across the street. I picked that very moment to launch a shrill tirade at my husband. That must have done it for him: even with the windows wide open we didn't hear the shot.

[Allie]

I think it could be a very good piece, it's just a little rough as-is. I've seen many writers who try to get experimental with POV changes and it usually just comes across as awkward. You could have some fun rewriting it from different POVs and see which works best. Maybe they hear the shot. You could start with the shot ringing out then the guy never being seen again but the smell getting bad. There's lots of possibilities.

[Tessa Scoffs]

Thanks for your comment, Allie. I guess the shift in point of view is supposed to echo the jump across the street. The action is in one house ("his") and then as "he" looks out the window, the action shifts to the narrator's house. The gunshot is not heard because it is (hopefully) implied that the narrator learns of the death at a later date. Perhaps not a good piece after all but I was trying something new.

[Allie]

I like the little details in this -- seemingly mundane yet telling. I am a little thrown by the change in point of view midstream (omniscient to first person). Keeping the original POV would work well without having to change much. But your style reminds me of another writer here that I read and enjoy.

[compliments of bernard's sandwich]