Better

[Jadie Jones]

My childhood neighborhood wasn't the kind of place you expected to destroy its children. Quite the contrary - it expected the most from them, always pushing for better. But better is a relative thing, unconquerable, like weight; it's not just a matter of finally reaching it, exhausted and teary, but chasing it down over and over, certain our mothers were right when they said we'd find happiness if we'd just lose those last few pounds. And so one by one our brilliance faded and we began to wilt like dandilions in unseasonable heat, once strong stems bent over at their waists, petals singed on their edges and dirty from where they'd unceremoniously met the ground. In a moment of fracture I finally confided in my mother the hollow sensations spreading wide beneath my skin and she put down the little pill she sipped back every morning and said: "you'd feel a little better if you worked off breakfast before school. It's so good to start the day off with a deficit."

[Stephen Torelli]

What a noteworthy account. Within our blu-collar nabe the emphasis was, "Can you handle yourself, work ethic, and of course, education. Dinner was a big thing where we would all go home from playing and talk to mom, dad, brothers, and extended family if they were visiting. Most turned out in good shape, yet drugs and alcohol took its toll and that "deficit" hurt many like in most American communities. Anyway, excellent writing, interesting, and a lot to think about.

[Jadie Jones]

@Teresa - i couldn't agree more!!

[Teresa]

Oh yes, and genetics -- kids born on edge, full of addiction, anger and depression triggers.  They don't often do well no matter where they're brought up.

[Teresa]

Do the rich push too hard and the poor not hard enough?  Or is it just the pushy parents who push hardest, and the sloth parents who don't?  I guess I grew up in the middle, the low-end middle.  My parents just sort of floated in the ether.  I did well in school because it was important to me.  The rest of the kids in my neighborhood were messed up from the start, both because they were unsupervised so much of the time (both parents working if both parents were still around) and because there were parental addictions involved -- alcohol especially.  There was domestic violence.  There was a suicide once in the front yard of the guy across the street.  I got stories...  Anyway, I think that when you combine parental absence and addictions, you get messed up kids, unless the kid is hyperfocused and can tune out the bad noise.  And I think pushing too hard and not pushing enough are both forms of neglect.  Kids need to know you're watching, that you care, that your goal is their ultimate happiness, which might result in some pushing, but there are limits, battle chosen carefully.  We have a rule at our house which is "finish what you start".  Our recent issue is whether to put our 7 yr old in dance again this year, year 3.  She says she doesn't want to go.  Dad says talk her into it.  I say no, she was always trying to get out of it last year and didn't do as well at the final recital.  Her teacher says, "It's dance.  She's 7.  If she's not having fun, it's not worth it."  Besides, she also takes piano (yr 3) and loves it.  I think we should stick with that (both are only one day/wk).  But kids need to stay at least a little bit busy and have a parent watching with a Zen calm, none of those Toddlers In Tiaras maniacs.  Balance.  The truth is always somewhere in the middle.  Okay.  Off soapbox.  Nite-nite.

[Robert Crisman]

I think that some of what Gita's saying has to do with the fact that, since the '60s, western culture has become increasingly more paranoid with regard to its basic assumption that material betterment is the end-all-be-all of life, in that it has been increasingly challenged and called into question worldwide. This in turn has engendered a militant reaction among the haves, and "devil take the hindmost" is, more than ever, their watchword, especially in exurban enclaves. It's the text and the subtext of life. Kids there these days are told in effect, be "the best" or die like a dog. Many of the kids are choosing to die like the dogs they've been taught to imagine themselves to be.

[Jadie Jones]

@Gita - the neighborhood i grew up in is upperclass and cutthroat competitive. We were there over the weekend and I was pointing out kids homes I'd grown up with, and what happened to them: suicide or attempts, eating disorders, one parent killing the other, secret scandals i'm too afraid to reveal even here and now, you name it, it happened. And for the life of me I can't figure out why, other than the fact that every parent wanted their child to be the best/smartest/prettiest/thinnist/most popular, but often we were raised by housekeepers and nannies if by any adult at all. Still, that's not so uncommon, so I have no idea why that neighborhood is such a vortex of weird.

[Jadie Jones]

hmm i think you're right Gita. I think I need to add more development. Will get to work...

 

[Gita]

How terribly sad. This is almost unbearable. And yet, I grew up in a culture (Montreal) where kids were supposed to bring home good grades and excel, and no one in my high school of 1,200 students ever committed suicide or shot up drugs. Ninety percent went on to college. I think there was something else going on back there that mitigated the pressure of doing well. I'm just not sure what.

[Ron. Lavalette]

Oh, but being top of the Honor Roll, State Champion(s), Most Valuable Something Or Other, or Major Master Debater is really all that matters.  How else ya gonna get?  Leg up, kids.  You don't wanna end up in the mill.

[Jadie Jones]

exactly - all this pressure to achieve and no support to be who they are. my neighborhood growing up was exactly like this one, and my generation from that white-collar haven is royally f*cked up