Down

[Teresa]

Next Tuesday morning, November 30th, I'll valet park my car, enter the swooshing automatic doors of Texas Children's Hospital, then ride a smooth elevator to the 16th floor with my three year-old who will likely say as we climb to his sentencing, "Up". He'll be evaluated using the gold standard for diagnosing autsim, a two-hour, four-modular test called ADOS (Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule) and afterward, a follow-up appointment will be made to discuss the results. I was told that children cannot attend the final appointment, both to ensure parent concentration and prevent children from viewing parental meltdowns. I wake at all hours of the night fretting over these appointments, especially the follow-up, envisioning the stoic pediatric neurologist behind a massive teak desk, pale sunlight penetrating floor to ceiling windows and washing all color from the room. I picture the doctor delivering neutral information first, just as the behavioral therapist did a few weeks ago, rattling unfamiliar formal sounds, a soothing monotony of detail that gently taps my brain as I assume the words are building toward good news. Then he'll deliver the shock, as did the therapist with forty years of experience -- I believe he's moderately autistic -- only this time the diagnosis will be M.D. official and I'm gathering strength to carry my husband at that moment, a man who believes God would never allow a thing like autism to take his only son, his beautiful boy who will surely "grow out of it", but I can't promise I won't collapse as I did before, during the elevator ride down.

[Teresa]

Thank you everyone for your comments and support. I posted this so I can take all of you with me tomorrow. If there's such a thing as a truly important idea for a book (in the context of my own life), this is it. I crave "funny" and plan to do the impossible: Find the funny in the dumbass word, Autism. What challenged parents need more than another serious downer book about the subject is laughter. I'm tossing around ideas, taking copious notes during this early period of learning and discerning. If it kills me I'll find humor in this. Then I'll kill the fucking stigma.

Don't forget, we have a 10 am appointment tomorrow. Meet me there. Love and hugs to all.

[Brittany]

What an illuminating face he has! With a Mom like you he is limitless Teresa. Your words are exceptional and such a pleasure to read (as always). I hope the ride down finds you exhaling and ready to move forward.

[Kristine_ES]

thank you for posting his picture. and everything feels "all right." :hugs:

[Toby Tucker Hecht]

I will simply say--good luck to you and your family. Whatever the diagnosis, I hope you all can live and love a long life in peace and happiness.

[Javed Baloch]

Heartfelt and well-written, and very brave of you, Teresa. And the boy is simply adorable.

[Ron. Lavalette]

My life, for the past couple decades, has been filled with individuals -both child and adult- who fall somewhere on the Autism Spectrum. Sometimes I have trouble remembering that most of us don't. Sometimes I can't tell anymore.

Tape recorder or a distanced 3rd party would be a good idea. Every state now has many, many excellent research resources. You'll find them.

Worry about your husband; he's going to have to lose the "he'll grow out of this" fantasy pretty quickly, or the consequences will be devastating. He needs to know he'll never grow out of it, but he'll be okay. Really. He will. He's got you -both of you- to get him started; and starts are everything in this game.

What the sailor said: Hold fast.

[Sandra Davies]

Gita's practical suggestion is invaluable - you will not remember, you will spend time wondering after exactly what was said.
And use your strength for you - it is immense, and I am awestruck at your ability to express yourself with such incisive clarity - another strength of yours seen on Wabi Sabi Words - by which I mean you should not have to expend energy on your husband if he believes he has god to help him - he'll doubtless believe god - the god that you have already had the strength to sack - to be more omnipotent than you.
And autism is not a death sentence.
And of course I echo all that has been said before - this lad is lovely and should be cherished for himself.
And I can imagine you are jagged inside.
Love to you T - and a daily heartfelt hug

[jkdavies]

A real rollercoaster, I love the rhythmn of this piece, the ups and downs, the soothing voice and the shock. And admire you so much for being able at this emotional time to put it into words that pull me through the knee-jerk sympathy reaction into a deeper understanding of the meanings & feelings and I hope you & your husband & your son will all pull through no matter what the diagnosis. xxx

[Gita]

My dear sister-friend: If you have not already done so, take a tape recorder with you when you go. Just turn it on, press record and let it run until the very last words are said. You will ask important questions and you will not hear all the answers. Later, you can play it back. Radio Shack is your friend. Your sweet boy is so beautiful I could just eat him up!! I hope to meet him someday, and we'll have milk and cookies.

[Mike Handley]

I'm with Cob on this: Hold fast. All I can say is you are loved and cherished, and so is that gorgeous little man.