Upon walking into our house I saw

[Aristotelis Orginos]

I walked in to our house to see half used candles on the coffee table that smelled like last Christmas. I walked in to our house to see a recliner half reclined from when I sat in it last which I remember because she sat on my lap and rocked back and forth to the sound of two breaths acting as one. I walked in to our house to see the light I had left on burnt out but which still was glossed over from the sunlight allowed entry through the dusty bay window. I walked in to our house to see near empty perfume bottles that mocked me with their lingering dissent. I walked in to our house to feel the soft edges of the sheet on our unmade bed and the crease on the pillow on your side which still had the evanescent fold made by my cheekbone as I nuzzled up to kiss the back of your neck.
I walked in to our house without you by my side, nor your scent, nor your body to fill the gaps your absence has left behind.

 

 

 

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A little experimental here.
I'm mostly unsure of how my sentence structure works in the piece. Does it add or detract from the meaning, tone, understanding? I won't reveal my intentions because I don't want to influence any opinions.

[Angela]

I enjoyed the repetitive use of the phrase "I walked into our house", as everything reminds one of the missing person, over and over, and I felt the use of the phrase reflected that reality.  You stopped using "she"after the second sentence, and started using "you/your", and I was unsure if this was intentional.  It felt as if you changed who you were addressing.  All your sentences flowed smoothly, to me, with the exception of the third, with its mention of the bay window.  The perfume bottle dissent, and the details of the recliner were intimate, and I enjoyed them.  I thought this was a strong six.

[Cita]

I like the experiment, and like the sentence structure.  You are on the right track.  What I did not like were the moments when you fell into a convoluted structure (like : which still was glossed over from the sunlight allowed entry through the dusty bay window).  Also, you started me off with an incredible "smell" sentence, but then confused me with another reference to smell with the perfume bottles.  Keep the first, lose the second (find another image that is more powerful).  I was blown away with the "smelled like last Christmas" and less enamoured with mocking perfume bottles (first felt natural, second felt forced).   

 

Over all, a great 6, and if you have read any of my writing, you know I like repetition used with purpose.