Ground Zero

[Teresa]

It was some life-churning tragedy like death or divorce that caused me to forget my bank PIN number for two months. I can't remember the year of this slip or the exact tragedy but I remember staring at the keypads of multiple ATMs, my mind full of white noise as I tried various combinations of wrong numbers. I know now that my mind was partially paralyzed, busy sorting jobs by levels of importance, or maybe it was crushing, like a trash compactor, making smaller this painful thing I was unable to assimilate into life's "useful" clutter. Then one day I miraculously remembered my PIN, and today feels similar only it isn't a PIN number resurfacing but a sensation of release and relief as other mental pathways reopen; I'm no longer using the brain space and energy to engage in massive denial campaigns -- a vast city of hope crowded with skyscrapers of wishful thinking, billboards of excuses, and the deafening noise of getaway cars zigzagging to escape truth.

A compassionate woman demolished my imaginary world this morning, made it impossible to shut out the subtle messages of former teachers, other parents' stares, concerns even my own mind sometimes whispered about my 3 year-old son's behavior. It took a warm hand on my arm this morning, a teacher and mother of six sharing the tragedy of her youngest daughter's death, a things could be worse scenario to soften the wrecker ball regarding my son, "Well, it's just that something isn't quite right."

[Glen Green]

So very, very common today. Hopefully we're getting closer to answers. This is a wrenching piece of life and writing. I wish you all strength.

[Jenny]

I am truly sorry and know from my own experience that the waiting is the hardest. At least once something is known we can begin to accept, or accommodate, or do whatever needs to be done.

My daughter's foot was run over by a car and she lives in constant daily pain with CRPS and may eventually lose the use of the foot and/or limb. She cannot even walk on the sand or go bowling today, where a before the accident she loved to dance, took ballet, and was a competitive swimmer.

Sometimes you just wake up in the middle of the night with pain in your throat and sweat soaking your skin. There is no going back - just onward.

Love and support Teresa,
Jenny

[Jamie Hogan]

As a parent...well, there's not much to say. You just want to ask God what soul-crushing torture he would grant you to endure for your child to be okay. Do not give in, T. Never give in to hopelessness. He is a beautiful light in this world, and he will be always, no matter what the determination of the doctors.

As for your writing - you're still Rembrandt with a pen, creating worlds we can look into and see ourselves. My hat is off.

[Teresa]

@All ~ Thank you so much for comments and support. There's a six-month waiting list at Texas Children's Hospital for autism evaluations. The department has moved from neurology to psychology, which is interesting to me but maybe the waiting list will shorten with this shift. In the meantime, there's a psychology group that evaluates kids my son's pediatrician is trying to get us into. I have to credit Bill Lapham for writing his recent post on autism because after reading it I spent more than an hour watching videos of kids with autism, looking for my son in them while also looking for proof that he's okay. Then the teacher's comment came the next day -- several voices touching a sensitive knowing. There's no official diagnosis yet, but as his teacher and my own inner mommy said, "something isn't quite right."

[Jenny]

T - your description of making the world smaller in order to be able to digest it (in the form of the trash compactor) is genius. What you are facing is frightening. Want to reach out and grab you and give you strength. But I know you have strength.
Sending love, J

[jkdavies]

ouch.
I mean that moment when the barriers come crashing down and you realise is perfectly described. But ouch, I have no idea what one goes through with the hopes and fears for ones children but you made me empathise and hope for the best, and wish you all the best in coping with whatever happens. Things can always be worse which is not to belittle the constant coping steps so many people have to take every day. xxx

[Robert Crisman]

Nothing is worse than not knowing. I hope they're able to help your son.

[Gita]

Boy is this ever good. Never have I read a better description of denial than:
a vast city of hope crowded with skyscrapers of wishful thinking, billboards of excuses, and the deafening noise of getaway cars zigzagging to escape truth.

[Linda Davenport]

Every time I'm away from here for a while and come back, I find something that just blows me away. Wow.

[Paul de Denus]

these messages and denials are never easy concerning our kids- you buried it then brought it to light - nice write T