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She wouldn’t have guessed in a million years what I was going through, and before I convinced myself of her wayward affections, I had planned to tell her, but now I would just feel cheesy expressing what I had intended. On several counts she strikes me as self-involved and extremely naïve, though I would not boost myself out of that consideration by any means, but what she seemed to have had in mind, I mean before her brother’s death and all, would never have worked. I merely thought…

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I decided about two weeks into the thing that my original plans were not the best choice. I wanted to do it right, and that meant asking for a few days off to fly up to New York, gathering together all my papers, and returning in a way that I could hold my head up and not walk around preparing for a hand to come down on my shoulder by someone telling me I would have to take a hike. The flight up was non-eventful, but imagine my surprise on finding someone living in my house in my absence!… Continue

I slept through the long bus ride north, having thought to map out my plan of action along the way, but quickly becoming overwhelmed by heat and exhaustion, then finding a comfortable reclining seat on the air-cooled bus, I gave in to sleep, which provided a pleasant dream of slow freefalling. In the morning, I was surprised to find Tuxtla much like Tapachula in tone and ambiance, having expected to find some dusty little pueblo because of my inexperience leading me to believe Mexico only had… Continue

As soon as I had a chance to look at a map and actually realized where I was, I quickly made a change in plans, and decided my itinerary must perforce take me through the state of Chiapas to its capitol Tuxtla Gutierrez. Mexico City would have to wait a while, and even at that, I figured I’d have to pick up a little work along the way if I wanted to survive. Little did I know there were few if any opportunities for an empty-headed stranger such as myself that would pay any kind of money I could… Continue

Something Kafka once said about Truth being indivisible and not being able to recognize itself held sway over my decisions in the next few days. I wanted to maintain high ideals and believe I was in the right, to be an adventurer, to earn my stripes, to boldly go…blah, blah, blah, but I knew I was waffling, and would not admit to myself that I had just fucked up and could not bring myself around to rectifying. Like a cat that bumps into the furniture and then continues blithely across the room,… Continue

My curiosity got the better of me and I decided to cut out the middle-person, my lady friend in Amarillo, and rather too quickly arranged to fly down to the Mexican Riviera and take a cruise stopping at some of those southern ports. Acapulco struck me as similar to other places I had visited, flashy and touristy, but when I visited Tapachula, I was taken by the homey ambiance. I thought it felt like Queens, New York with a heavier touch of tropical design. Still hung over from the previous… Continue

After striking out on the live social scene, I returned to spending a couple of hours each night at my laptop, writing a little, chatting with people I had never sat next to, and checking out the news in English on Latin American countries, but especially Mexico because it was fresh in my mind. I learned the country was suffering a number of difficulties resulting from battles among drug families, and about a disused justice system presented in the dramatic documentary Presunto… Continue

I was freezing and my planned cruise to Central American ports came at a good time, but it made the return to this Arctic more unbearable. For five days, I drifted in a paradise of idleness, which helped to unstiffen joints, while my brain produced static impulses. There was nothing I had to do, and now that I have to, I don’t want to. I am aware of animation that lies waiting under this icy white blanket, but long for the beauty that lies fully exposed under black pin-pricked skies and radiant… Continue

1. There’s a sculpture somewhere in Europe that looks exactly like me, or rather I look exactly like it.

2. My middle name is Victor, but I’ve never won anything.

3. I maintain a blog on which absolutely no one has ever commented.

4. Some people consider me introverted and find it creepy, but I’m actually very shy.

5. My birthday is May 1, which is Workers’ Day in some places, and oddly, I cannot remember holding one steady job for more than a year.

6. The first piece I… Continue

The machine was off for three minutes and forty-seven seconds, which doesn’t seem like so very long, but something happened in the world during that time, and it was an irreversible action. The Engineer had spent four hours and thirty-seven minutes aimlessly surfing the Internet when he should have been mindful of his watch; then, foolishly he dozed. Two Girls, One Cup and the little girl from The Ring danced in his dream, which creeped him out a bit until he was awakened by… Continue

Met two women last month while out having a drink or two one night, and I guess that means I still have it; only I didn’t get it. The first said her name was Beth, and that she had recently settled in New York after a long stint of teaching English in Mexico, and when it came down to it, she wasn’t really looking for companionship, but what she said in parting caused me to whither, and I was glad to see the last of her. A little while later, I shared a drink with a woman named Samantha, who was… Continue

Next to you in the swirl of sheets, and the warmth of your slight form in the dim light of morning, I would forget your young woman’s old man features and the veins visible and traceable across your cranium. I would make plans for the day, knowing full well you wouldn’t be up to any of them, though you might ask me to read to you later in the afternoon. You didn’t cook for me anymore then, and sadly I could not pay you back for all the time before when you did, as I would burn boiling water.… Continue

Judging by your reaction, honesty is not always the best policy. When I admitted my faults to you, you said I creeped you out, while the guy walking behind you gave me the eye of scorn saying, “Hey, what are you doing, man, giving it all away?” without saying anything, and when he passed to where you could see him, you said you thought he was cute, to my face. I didn’t benefit one iota from that exchange, so in my very next statement, I lied to you, or… Continue

Everything I’ve ever told you was a lie. Even my lying was a lie. That is to say, when I told you something and you believed me, and then I admitted to lying, I was lying both times. I will say anything to win your love, including ingratiating myself to have you see how fallible I am because you have made it clear that you feel a fallible man is so sensitive and therefore a good catch. That’s your one weakness, which is not to say I think you’re gullible, only that it makes you attractive, and… Continue

An old friend came to the other one and requested enlivening and (snap) like that there came a non-static response with all the features in place. I could stand on my head, spit the proverbial wooden nickels, and I would not get the time of day. It is precisely because I think and speak in clichés that that situation obtains, but I haven’t the wherewithal to chance beyond my preset borders. One day, and it’s coming soon; I can feel it, I will implode for the lack of gravity in my own heart. I… Continue

I have found lodging. A couple, Raymond and Denise, is already living in the apartment, but I manage to stay invisible when they are both at home. The other day, Raymond told me, “I can hardly see you.” Thank you, cloak of invisibility! Since I cannot afford to contribute anything to the food bill, I do not eat much, and I am growing thin as a rail. Shortly, I will no longer need the cloak.

Couple of sheets from a newspaper were blown across the grimy wet streets and were plastered to the gray wall between the main windows of the doughnut shop and the travel agency. Now they had found a home and the wind wasn’t strong enough to send them on a fresh journey. Chancing the extinguishing of my cigarette, I moved closer to make out one of the headlines because the word FRAUD had caught my eye, but it was the same old shit. Someone who thought he… Continue