Cita's Blog – January 2009 Archive (26)

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Monster Party

The "Bad Mother" Monster is having a dinner party, and she is inviting all of the other monsters to come and dine on my flesh.



Money Monster has accepted her invitation with glee, taking bites out of my stomach as he scoffs at my meager bank account and makes me question my little $50 offerings to my children's happiness.



"Needy Little Girl" Monster tells me how fat my middle is becoming, how he is going to look elsewhere if I don't cling, cling, cling, whine with my… Continue

Added by Cita on January 26, 2009 at 11:30am — 8 Comments

Spring

Yearlings are stupid, just beef on the hoof from over the border, rattling off the smelly trucks to run blindly down the alley to get a shot, get a brand if their hides aren't too wet, to stand on rolled-out hay bales and cough and bawl and maybe eat.



There is no hope, no future that doesn't involve dollar signs, just numbers, percent death losses, vaccines and cocktails of medicines to keep them alive on the prairie until they go to that hopeless assembly line of a feedlot where… Continue

Added by Cita on January 26, 2009 at 11:14am — 2 Comments

Procrustes Bed





"Her feet just hang off of this bed, and she looks ridiculous in that orange halter top, and did you see the bling in her nose?"



"How in the world can we get her arms to reach all the way to the sides of this bed, and she isn't indignant enough for our tastes, and did you notice that she didn't buy one single lipstick at the make-up party last week?"



They preached and pulled and stretched and squeezed.



They… Continue

Added by Cita on January 25, 2009 at 5:30pm — 2 Comments

Advice



He gave me the best advice I have ever gotten, this man who makes me chatter nervously, who taught me to run a business, who taught me to tie a bow-line knot as we stood at the hitch rail in the pack yard.



He drinks wine with me all summer, and we both wore his Obama cap just to cause a ruckous amongst the red-necks around the picnic table, but we drank some Wild Turkey with them and grinned at their indignation.



I hear his… Continue

Added by Cita on January 22, 2009 at 1:11pm — 3 Comments

Tattoo



Thoreau said, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams."



Oliver said, "Save the only life you can save," and she also said, "one wild and precious life."



Rilke said, "Openness, patience, receptivity, solitude is everything," and I believe him.



And I know it isn't about how to survive the storm, but rather, knowing how to dance in the rain.



Cavafy told us all about Ithacas and what Ithacas… Continue

Added by Cita on January 22, 2009 at 1:03pm — 3 Comments

Your Happy is Showing

When my happy first popped out of the black earth of my heart, it was psychadelic--vibrant reds, greens, blues, yellows and a rather silly shade of lavender.

I quickly kicked dirt over the top of it, looking around furtively to see if anyone noticed, but it kept on popping its head out, reaching for the sun.



As it grew, its colors became deeper, more true, the bubble covering stronger, less easily deflated, until I was blushingly aware… Continue

Added by Cita on January 22, 2009 at 12:27pm — 8 Comments

The News (part 2)

He purposefully waited until she was gone before he picked up the phone, the door to his office firmly closed.

"Hey, man, its me! How are you doing?"

"Oh, we are doing fine. Have you had any rain?"

Later that night he says, yes, he called, and yes, they talked, and yes, he's fine, and no, he doesn't know anything else, the subject never came up.

Added by Cita on January 20, 2009 at 10:30pm — 5 Comments

Golden Apple

Hera, Demeter, and Athena are disgusted beyond words as they look around at the havoc wrought in their neat, orderly existence.



Artemis makes noises like the other three, but secretly her heart is thumping with excitement at the inagural change at hand while Persephone sorts poppy seeds from dirt frantically in the corner and Hestia begins the hard work of making a nest in the earthquake-destoyed chambers.



It is the new girl... the one who they've heard all our lives,… Continue

Added by Cita on January 18, 2009 at 4:44pm — 3 Comments

Naked

Hanging in my closet, like a fancy cupcake meant for wearing, is a shirt with glittery sprinkles and velvet inserts.



I have work clothes, hiking clothes, clothes for hiding my little tummy, comfortable jeans, and boots with hooker heels.



I know how to duck my head and turn my hair into a curtain to hide the windows to the house where my soul runs around with no clothes or towel on until he lifts my chin and says, "Come on... say it."



We've all dreamed that we… Continue

Added by Cita on January 17, 2009 at 4:47pm — 3 Comments

I wonder (Part 3)

I wonder what it is about her that doesn't irritate me when we are together for days and days, hours and hours on end.



I wonder what it is about someone who makes me laugh that makes life so much brighter.



I wonder about this chemistry and passion that has brought me up out of my complacency, my "once a month is enough" appetite.



I wonder how to make it right for everyone, and then I forget about that and go see if her fingers are flying over the… Continue

Added by Cita on January 16, 2009 at 9:00pm — 4 Comments

I believe

I believe that everyone does the best he can all of the time and that we all do what we want to do when we want to do it.



I believe in eating as close to the source as possible and that just as popcorn is a vehicle for butter and salt, sushi is a vehicle for wasabi and pickled ginger.



I believe that sex is not about penetration and climax but about true intimacy and that intimacy is better with chemistry and love as garnishes.



I believe that love multiplies… Continue

Added by Cita on January 16, 2009 at 4:33pm — 1 Comment

Addiction (Part 3 of Angels Landing)

I am scared of heights, have been since I was a little girl watching Daddy climb the windmill towers, avoiding the high diving board at the swimming pool.



I am scared of addiction, some snare of chemicals that will snag my attention and distract me from what is real.



I am scared of mediocrity.



I tried to hike Angels Landing with no helper, no guide, and I didn’t get very far past Scout’s Lookout before I was scooting along on my rear, afraid to stand, going back… Continue

Added by Cita on January 12, 2009 at 6:00pm — 1 Comment

Michael (Part 2 of Angels Landing)

Michael was a fellow traveler, on his way home to Colorado and his family after visiting his elderly father in California.



He and I talked in the campground in the dim early morning as the tents unzipped all around us, just two hikers, campers, who wanted to make the most of a precious day.



Later, he fell in behind us on this hike, taking glibly to my daughter about technical rock climbing and how much he loved the canyonlands, keeping her safe from her mother’s anxiety,… Continue

Added by Cita on January 12, 2009 at 6:00pm — 1 Comment

John (Part 1 of Angels Landing)

John was an unlikely angel in raggedy gray sweats, cheap walmart sneakers, and a day’s growth of beard.



He came to me in the guise of the easily overlooked.



His voice was kind as he settled himself comfortably on the red sandstone spot of shade and told me the story of how he took the Zion shuttle to the trailhead each morning, hiked through Refrigerator Canyon and up the switchbacks, past this lookout and along the ridge to Angel’s Landing.



He told me how he… Continue

Added by Cita on January 12, 2009 at 5:30pm — No Comments

Jealousy

It caused the gods to hurl things down off of mountains, blind those who looked the wrong way, make demands from their subjects that depleted coffers and made men walk alone for their whole lives.



It is the color green though I can figure out why because it has nothing to do with abundance, verdancy, lush and ample growth, germination, or vitamin-packed sufficiency.



It is mean and hard and invasive and sickening, the bile of look-only-at-me rising in the throat and… Continue

Added by Cita on January 12, 2009 at 2:00pm — 4 Comments

Sunday morning gospel

My parents were part of a fundamental organization that preached the gospel door to door.



The summer I was 16 we would spend our Sunday mornings in a college neighborhood, old houses rented out to starving students, hoping to catch them at home so that they could hear a message called "The Mystery of Human Life."



The Sunday was beautiful, and the sidewalk we walked up had grass growing out of the cracks, the yellow paint on the house was spiderwebbed with flakes revealing… Continue

Added by Cita on January 11, 2009 at 7:00pm — 5 Comments

Tom Robbins: Still Life With Woodpecker, page 128

Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.



To GGS... from AMHA



Damn I wish this were six sentences, but Tom Robbins didn't write it that way. Still,…

Added by Cita on January 11, 2009 at 2:49pm — 1 Comment

No words

I remember it was January 2008 and the room was hot, crowded, anticipating the entertainment scheduled to begin soon while the the sky poured snow over already snowed over parking lots, streets and buildings.



I sat still as the room buzzed around me, just the mother of one of the afternoon's entertainers, just a woman with an invisible broken heart, just a human being going through the motions, smiling, greeting friends, and sitting still whenever I could so as not to jostle that… Continue

Added by Cita on January 10, 2009 at 8:29pm — No Comments

Cheetos vs Carrots



He's only two years old but he already knows what a Cheeto is.



How backwards is it for a little baby to know what the orange powdered cheese-food corn puff is but never to have pulled a carrot from the dark earth, washed it off in the waterhose, and crunched into its tender sweetness?



You said the words "corporate culture" the other day and I reacted way down deep in my belly, found a screaming noin my soul, wished… Continue

Added by Cita on January 10, 2009 at 12:09pm — 2 Comments

Energy

She was text messaging in the dark as we drove down the highway, vindictive little snippets to a young girl far away who was powerless to still the little darts as they buzzed onto her phone.



"You know, the universe is made up of energy, and the kind of energy we put out there is the kind that we attract back. You are about to start a new school, and it looks like to me that you cannot afford to put that much negative energy out into the universe at this crucial time."



She… Continue

Added by Cita on January 9, 2009 at 7:32pm — 5 Comments

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