Mulled Vine's Blog (8)

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I saw a silouetto of a man doing the fandango and was immediately immersed in rapsodies of bohemian proportions. Scaramouche was his name, a lively little fellow with pointy beard, heroic moustache and keen, impish eyes. I watched as he danced wildly on the tables with increasing, joyful intensity and reckless cacophony. A host of flickering shadows danced with him and I longed to join them, to cast away all restraint and to leap about with similar abandon. But I didn't - my dance is done. Continue

It is time for the big reveal, time to come out and declare to the world who and what I really am. No more pretences, no more facades, no more fear. What is the worst that can happen? Rejection by others is surely not worse than rejecting myself? It is time to be true to my nature, come hell or high water. Here it is: I am just, ever so slightly, nuts. Continue

Apocalypse came walking down the street, sending before her waves of terrified, screaming humanity. She had come to end the world as instructed, as foretold by the great Seers and Prophets of old. Humankind had been warned, and now it was time for the Final Reckoning. But first she just had to find that MacDonald's Drive Thru. Continue

I woke up this morning with just eight toes, four on each foot. At first I thought, "Eh?", but then it occurred to me that God might perhaps in fact be a woman. Why? Well consider this: how much easier is it going to be to get my feet into those little Gucci high heels? Plus ... and get this, ladies ... it means a 20% saving on toe nail varnish, yes TWENTY whole percent which can now be spent on other beautiful things! I'm so excited I think I might go shopping this Sunday - might even be abl… Continue

My mama told me she'd wash out my mouth with soap and pepper if she caught me cussing again. She was serious and I knew it, but how I did love to cuss - the way those illegal words would linger dangerously, almost spicily on my tongue before suddenly erupting with violent, shocking, wonderful glory. But I loved my mama and tried my best to be good, and for two whole days it was "shute this" and "flip that", but then the inevitable happened: I stubbed my toe against the leg of the kitchen table.… Continue

The train was crowded again but I managed to find a seat wedged in between two suits who tried to no avail to make the space between look unavailable. "Excuse me," I said, and wedged myself firmly between them, ignoring the synchronised sighing and closed my eyes for a little nap. What a day it had been: 212 emails, 31 phone calls and that weasly little brown noser from auditing who was after a place in my team; how I hate that man, but gentleman that I am, I smiled patiently and waited patientl… Continue

He gazed at me with eyes full of studied compassion, fully expecting an emotional outburst from me. Three to six months, he says. Smarmy little shit in his tailored suit, consultant cuff links and manicured surgeon hands. What right did he have to number my days as if he were forecasting the weather? Of course, it is not his fault, he is just the messenger, and you know what they say about shooting the messenger. But it did make me feel a lot better seeing the bright red blood spatter all over… Continue