I pulled a plastic cockroach out of my potato chip bag on April Fool's day. . 

I haven't seen Terry since the day after. 

His rash keeps getting worse and he doesn't have a clue. 

You don't do that to a girl. Not this girl. 

I haven't seen Terry but his racquetball buddy Bob is really 'G.I.B.' 

Thirty-five thousand people attended Cesar Chavez' funeral service that was a Roman Catholic Mass, our "Rite of Christian Burial," presided over by Richard Cardinal Mahoney of Los Angeles, but I've got to think that Chavez is probably rolling over in his grave, today, Easter Sunday. 

The graphic representation of the Google logotype, it's 'doodle" for U.S. visitors to the site on Easter…

The game's on, my nephew and I are watching, and the booth announcers tell us this game is sponsored by a pizza company, Southwest Airlines, and Viagra.

'WTF," I think, "Viagra!?' and I blow my whistle and scream, "TECHNICAL FOUL!" 

Wouldn't the NCAA consider that as a performance-enhancing drug? 

How stupid is CBS' to accept a sponsor whose product may reduce viewership numbers (duh-OH…

I’m back as a Tillamook Valley (Oregon) dairy cow that grazes on grasses so sweet that my milk produces the best cheese and other dairy products in the U.S.A. despite the claims of those udder bitches in the frozen milkcicled Wisconsin waste lands who think they’re ‘all that’ but aren’t.  

I get regular mani-pedis and baths, a special doctor who makes barn calls, am served the best food any four-stomached girl could ever want,…

The way I hold you, some might think you were the hand of the good Lord, himself, or Scarlett Johansson's except you know that Scarlett's political bent gags me like a used swab at The Free Clinic (and I promise to remove her picture as soon as I get tired of looking at her or my eyes turn to dust, well, hers and Cote de Pablo's pic because you also know I'm a sucker for a pretty brunette, first and always). 

You've overtaken my capacity to remember 7- and 10-digit numbers that hook…

"His election was the election of a rejection of power," said a Jesuit priest from the Vatican press office, a brother-member from the same Catholic 'religious order' from which Pope Francis has come to us.

He's accepted the staff as our shepherd, and history may well reflect that Pope Francis was, in the truest spirit of Christ, one who walked softly and confidently, carrying that big stick from the moment he said, "Yes," accepting the burdens of a troubled…

Bailey Gallagher played with dollies, jumped rope, had tea parties, got good grades, dreamed of princes, driving a car, a boyfriend, prom dresses, a husband and motherhood. 

She played soccer, was a cheerleader, in drama club, Spanish club along her path of her Irish-Catholic upbringing, and in high school encountered a nun and a priest who taught a couple of her religion requirements, teachers who awakened the unexpected in her, and nary a word of it was shared with another…

Two weeks from retirement, Sgt. Marchetti walked the forty-something handcuffed man to the squad car for instigating a bar fight when, suddenly, the unruly man pivoted to spit in the officer’s face.

“S’OKAY, TONY, I got it, I GOT IT, I said!” the street-wise sergeant yelled to his partner, putting the baton and mace into his Sam Browne, as…

The billionaire mayor of NYC is now hot on the trail of ear buds, trying to protect us from ourselves, to save our hearing. 

First things first, Mayor, if I may, suggesting regulation of 1000+ watt speaker systems in cars damaging everybody's hearing, volumes that preclude drivers of woofers-on-wheels from hearing sirens and motorcycle engines in close proximity, in a blind spot, susceptible to a quick lane change or T-bone accident causing injury or death? 

How about,…

I TOLD YOU, never EVER pull pictures from the prettytitty file for the montage screensaver, you electronic back-stabbing bastard.

You know I scrimped and save to buy you, passed over all the U.S.-made machines to get you....

And where the HELL is the mah-jongg game I saved!

LISTEN HERE, Vaio, you're a TOOL and can be replaced!

DEAR GOD, my MANUSCRIPT...…

The college of cardinals convenes to decide the who that will bring the what to the faithful. 

Those over eighty cannot vote, but they are present and heard in the deliberations, out-of-doors pundits with great speculation the new leader will hail from Africa, Latin America, or a home-grown man from Italy. 

The cardinals will have discerned that it was God's will is…

Her sixteenth birthday coincided with high school graduation, the daughter of loving home-schoolers who invited her into the high-tech den of dual work stations, as the color printer rendered  a gorgeous graduation certificate followed by her favorite dinner and first-ever glass of wine, a congratulatory card from Mom and Dad containing a ten-thousand dollar prepaid credit card.

By twenty, Millicent-Marie had conquered math and other sciences, spent…

Fundamentalist 'Me 'n Jesus' church goers are always reminding me, by mouth and bumper sticker, that they are forgiven and saved, in the front of the bus discharging passengers with an admission ticket to give St. Peter at the pearly gates.  

Faith alone, or works, or faith plus works is intellectual ping pong--from parishioners to priests to the TV ministers promising healing with receipt of my offering--as far as the path to somewhere other than Flamenhott, while …

I miss Grey Anderson, here, her presence represented by a classy-cool avatar, but she's gone, went mononymous as did others here, and I'm in no way or sense knocking  or mocking those personal decisions.  

Attributing my sixes to Gensle (rhymes with FENCE-lee, hard G not "j") wouldn't be fair to, might be insulting to my family's reputation for being softer spoken, of cleaner word palette, greater self-restraint and more humble Catholicity than I, and going as just…

I'm witnessing two types of us in our so-called golden years. 

There's the guy who whistles and grins, staying somehow positive in springing strides, staying in gratitude's moment with joie de vivre, and then there's all of us others (who hate that spring-footed bastard in the nylon warm-up suit and unscuffed Adidas').   

It's like you're five years old and a pea rolls off your plate, and you flick it onto the floor with a giggle, but with…

I was completely taken, hopelessly infatuated but confess I had only seen her picture.

My brother, Jack, spotted her in a crowd and steered my shoulder toward her to say, 'Hi," reminding me I had nothing to lose.  

She was taller than I imagined, with magnetic dark eyes, had a gorgeous bow in her hair, and rivalled Julia Roberts  for queen of the polka dot dress had Roberts' "Pretty Woman," been made, yet.…

The same ole statues were handed out for the same ole categories, but it sure wasn't the same ole Oscars, was it! 

The First Lady was radiant, looked ravishing, like a starlet!

(Where was that dress in the budget? Oops, no budget. Forgot we're in "Spend-'n-Sink.")

She's giving her mister a mighty good run…

“Your doorbell would ring wit da neighbor standin’ there holding a pie, ‘It was as easy makin’ two pies as one when I was puttin’ ‘em together, so, here…’ or you’d pull into your driveway wit da car makin’ a little noise and ‘fore ya know it, here comes da guy from two doors down wit his grey toolbox and your hood’s goin’ up and not comin’ down until it’s fixed, all for a cold brewski wit da guy in your…

"I want to sing, but I can't find my voice. I want to run and jump, but I can't work my legs. I want rejoice, but can't find an occasion. I want to fly, but can't source any wings. I want to love, but haven't got the heart." 

"Then you had better step aside from yourself, get down on your knees and offer one up, or you really don't have a prayer, do you." 

It was a round, cap-like dealy-bobber thingermahjigger with a spout and an electrical cord protruding from it, funny looking because of the cord size relative to the device. 

Take a standard container of shaving cream, snap the device over the spouted top of said shaving cream and plug-in the device, and once the light comes on and you press the top, voila, you're enjoying nice, hot lather for…