Gita's Blog – April 2011 Archive (7)

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Stump Shiner, Scourge of Chickens

Down at the Tool and Die, it was universally agreed that the most dangerous part of the annual Hayneville Chicken Drop was not flying the crop duster low over a field, or tossing terrified chickens out of the plane. It was the part where someone had to tie notes to the birds’ legs, each note naming a prize for the person who chased and caught that particular chicken: a new weed eater or power washer donated by the Hillandale Mall Sears; free angus burgers from Hardees; one year’s service…

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Added by Gita on April 27, 2011 at 7:30pm — 15 Comments

The Shiner Chronicles -- (6x6)

1. STUMP STEALS A CAR

Stump Shiner, feckless and yellow-toothed, found the car keys in the departures lobby of the Birmingham airport and deduced that the owners would be gone a good few days before discovering the theft.



Methodically, he walked the lanes at long-term parking, aiming the keyless entry fob at every car until, in section 44, a navy Mercury flashed its lights.

Stump found the airport parking ticket behind the driver’s visor and, $3 later,…

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Added by Gita on April 26, 2011 at 12:00am — 9 Comments

Well-Meant Advice (further adventures in psychiatry)

Charlene Shiner had finished telling Stump how worried she was about losing the beauty salon in the current economy  and launched into a list of  her other fears when he raised his hand in the "enough already" gesture.

"You worry for nothing, Char," he said. 

"Well one of us has to worry," Char said, knowing that her husband was a cross-the-bridge-when-you-get-to-it driver and she was a get-the-road-and-bridge-damage-report-ahead-of-time driver.

"What…

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Added by Gita on April 12, 2011 at 9:17pm — 4 Comments

Depression Saps Your Energy, So Keep Life Simple (more adventures in psychiatry)

 
Put a chicken in a crock pot.  Cook it for 5 hours. Pull off the meat every time you want a meal for days, and you won't even need dishes.
 
Take a shower, using extra soap and…
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Added by Gita on April 10, 2011 at 6:48pm — 8 Comments

The Day He Fired His Shrink

Delivering bad news was not his forte. In fact, it was part of  a constellation of problems that included -- but was not limited to -- procrastination, passive aggression and denial.

So he waited until minute 52 of the usual 55, during which he rambled vaguely on about lame attempts to get a raise or a date with someone more powerful than he.

Finally, he drew from his jacket breast pocket an index card and read aloud the following.

"I am no better off for having spent…

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Added by Gita on April 7, 2011 at 7:35pm — 5 Comments

The Lockpicker's Woman (x2)

I. 

Summer looms with its ferocious heat that feels more like weight than temperature, and you become listless. You say you want to leave ahead of  the season, want to go to the north Atlantic coast or Appalachians -- anywhere cooler. You watch me clandestinely to see if I am upset by your impending absence.…

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Added by Gita on April 3, 2011 at 5:44pm — 9 Comments

Obla-di, Obla-da, That's Where the Money Goes (a rant)

Yesterday, a hospital in a rural southern county closed its doors because it could not afford to serve the poor, uninsured patients who crowd into its emergency room.

Yesterday, two public schools in a neighboring county ran out of supplies so that teachers had to go to the Dollar Store and buy toilet paper with their own money.

Yesterday, our government gave $3.5 million to Egypt's military, just as it did the day before and the day before and the day before and the day before…

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Added by Gita on April 2, 2011 at 9:09pm — 8 Comments

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