Mike Handley's Blog – April 2010 Archive (5)

Services Rendered

Fueled by a dozen whiskey sours and a night of sidelong glances, I was eager to oblige when Charlotte pulled my long blonde hair so she could whisper “Take me home” into my ear. I was but a gangly 17; she was 32 and a real head-turner, tall as my hairless chest, so that her bedroom eyes were always looking up at me from beneath feathery lashes.…

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Added by Mike Handley on April 18, 2010 at 11:00pm — 17 Comments

Scattering in South Africa

Afrikaners have a unique way of shooting the shit.



Consistency, moistness and staleness are all to be considered when choosing the best projectiles, which are about the size of a boar squirrel’s testicle, though not as appealing.



The booty bullets must be firm enough not to crumble in one’s mouth; it helps if they’re moistened with Castle Lager, which allegedly adds weight and oomph, but mostly to mask the taste; and…
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Added by Mike Handley on April 11, 2010 at 9:00pm — 26 Comments

Heart of the Matter

One year ago tonight, I was drafting my last will and testament, digging up insurance policies, paying bills and making a list of all my accounts -- to make it easier for my wife if the worst were to happen on April 8, when my sternum was to be sawed open, spread apart and my heart mended.



Truthfully, I expected to die (hard to believe I hadn’t, since I was maybe a week away from a fatal heart attack). Every test leading up to the day they drew blue instructions on my torso saw the… Continue

Added by Mike Handley on April 4, 2010 at 11:15pm — 8 Comments

Where Were You Challenge * The Power of the "Good Book"

Okay, so I’d had a whiskey sour -- ONE -- but I saw what I saw, goddamit. The friggin guy was at least 7 feet tall, butt-naked, blue and he had a tail like a panther!



Gladys said he was a horseman, come to rapture us, so she ran into the house to put on a bra and to comb her hair. But I knowed it was one a them avatar-things, come to plug his ponytail into Gladys’s pink hydrangeas until they turned blue.



Before it could shoot its load of Miracle-Gro, a bug-eyed Gladys… Continue

Added by Mike Handley on April 2, 2010 at 11:49pm — 14 Comments

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