Ok so we went to McCormick and Schmicks around noon for Mother's day and everyone at the outdoor mall thingy was all bougied-up and wearing like nine million dollar outfits and the women's purses cost twenty hundred bucks and all the little lord and lady Fauntleroy's were behaving themselves and the white kids were all blond and the blacks were all Cosby's etc etc insert race here and it was totally weird like the whole little retail fake city was like recession/depression proof or… Continue

So there is like this guy ok and he's at dinner with his gf in an Italian place that has like a family atmosphere and more than decent food.



The dude we're talking about [debonaire] likes the restaurant on acct. of they have more than one non-animal choice on the menu and the girl is pretty much down to go wherever.



Ok so you should prolly also know like for background stuff that the gf is way way way way way out of the bf's league and he knows it and as a result he is on… Continue

1. Even though I'd never gambled in my life I went to Las Vegas for my 21st bday with two beautiful sisters named Janie and Jill.



2. Janie was tall and Jilly was tall and they both had blue eyes and perfect teeth.



3. Jilly's hair was blonde and sweet Janie's was chestnut and both sisters had even tans.



4. When we landed Janie said let's start at the old casinos my dad says the slots are loose in those places and plus we can get a few cheap drinks and figure out… Continue

ok so there is this one guy and umm he is sitting at his computer.



dude is way bored and just a little hung over from his first drunk of 2009 and his normally super loud house instead resembles a tomb while his family visits relatives in another state. plus our hero doesn't have any writin work right now due to last week's computer virus [plural] exercises.



he also just misspelled exercises btw.



anyway the chap we're speaking of is sitting in his home office… Continue

Ok so like three laptops died within a week of each other. They were all old as dirt [four yrs-ish] but still. When the last one went someone said wow what kind of surfing practices do you employ?



I go I don't employ anything or anyone except myself and let go of the GRE words already would ya?



That made the person mad and she walked away shaking her head and wearing her short skirt and holding a three ring binder in each hand.



I'll admit she looked good and… Continue

There is one guy ok and he is dangerous but like way handsome.



Dude is the hero or the antihero or something but at this point no one knows for sure.



And then there is also a posse of hot chicks who wear teeny tiny clothes and carry giant hi-tech handguns.



Oh and a close up of an old convertible with the desert in the background.



Panoramic shots of sidewinders and tumbleweeds.



Bleached steer skulls.



And then there is like a… Continue

This story takes place in a hypothetical world.



In the hypothetical world we are visiting [setting] there is like this dude [handsome] who gets hired to conduct an interview for a magazine that deals with a specific illness. The subject - or person interviewed - is way upbeat even tho he is totally sick with something that rhymes with dancer.



Moreover the subject is very religious and gives God all the cred for his continued longevity.



Anyway so like the two… Continue

I go Marisol you know I do not. And plus I didn't want to do it in the first place remember?

She's like dude do you want money?

I'm like I do.

She's all then Google that shit man and figure it out.

I almost tell Marisol that I spent like two hours on Google but realize she doesn't care and count to three slowly in my head and say ok Marisol I'll get right on it.

Hi. Plz accept my piece titled Chuckles and Charlie. While it's true that the story was rejected twice already I don't want you to feel in any way that like I think the mags I sent Chuck and Chaz to before you are any better than yours or anything like that. In fact you've always been my hands down favorite.

Wanna know why?

It's cuz you're money.

Hi - I am the Easter Bunny.

Hi - I bought the candy.

Hi - I will hide the eggs.

Hi - My Birthday is tomorrow.

Hi - My son saw me typing just now and laughed - close one.

Hi - I am not mad that Jesus stole my birthday don't worry.

Ok so we bought a house from a couple who had to move to Belgium for work. They were like umm we have this 30 gallon fish tank do you want it. I was like sure. I didn't know anything about fish except how to eat them. I only have one sentence left so let's fast fwd to where your hero [me] scrubbed a little Firefish in half last nite while trying to combat hair algae. This morning I found the white half of the fish floating at the top of the tank and the whereabouts of the red half are currently… Continue

You are interviewing someone. No. You are reading the notes the actual interviewer left you from her interview with someone. Someone is dying of something. Your job is to make the words look pretty. The dying guy talks about Jesus a lot.

It goes like this:



My dude's girl is a cheerleader for an NFL team. I was at their place with my other friend Keith. My dude and his cheerleader gf stepped out for a minute. Keith said hey dude let's see whassup with her underwear drawer. I was like c'mon man I'll be 39 in a few weeks. Keith did it anyway [and of course I followed him in there] and the front of the drawer came apart from the back of the drawer and Keith was standing there holding it in his hand when the cheerleader… Continue

There's a lot of competition amongst the writers making the rounds of the lit mags. Some ppl get published. Others do not and talk sh-t online and go omg I'm such a better writer than you than him than her. Typically I sit back and let my eye lasers handle the back biters [especially the no names trying to generate pub for themselves a la those mid-1980's rap feuds]. Whatever their motivation rest assured that your boy Ty to the B is mellow like Jello and will never take the bait… Continue

I separated the recycles from the regular garbage and set each pile a little apart from the other. I felt really good about myself. A little while later I was standing outside smoking [I know dude I can't stop] and the garbage men drove down the street in their big loud stinky truck. I said hi to one of the men but he was a hardass and only gave me like the head nod in return. After that he threw both piles of garbage into the back of the garbage truck. I was like wtf but didn't say anything… Continue

Why are you wearing a bicycle helmet in bed?

Becuz umm so my hair doesn't get messy when I sleep.

You know you look kinda funny right?

Idk I won't have to brush my hair in the morning.

But I think your head is going to get sweaty.

No it won't silly, heads don't get sweaty.

He said Hi Sharon how's it going today? Sharon kind of froze. After a few seconds she said I'm all right Rodney how are you. Rodney said I'm doin fine listen I wanted to take a chance and ask if you'd be interested in maybe getting together with me this weekend. After like a one second pause Sharon cleared her throat [ahem] and told him sorry but she already had plans. Rodney was embarrassed because he thought everyone in the office overheard and as he walked slowly back to his cube he thought… Continue

She goes hey dude come on rejections are part of the game. He’s like I know man and I couldn’t stop if I tried but it’s not just the overall rejection that sucks. I mean these so-called editor people tell me things like my characters are uninvolved and the paragraphs don’t flow into the next one and my setting is unbelievable. Who analyzes settings? She looks at him and her blue eyes flash in the sun and she goes dude please stop talking to me about this stuff all the time ok you make yourself… Continue