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 “No, it’s just that the Doctor has been downloaded into Seven’s matrix and taken control of her body.”  He didn’t move a muscle.  He didn’t get it. Unlike the pair of young women, who giggled. So much for his cocky demeanour on set. I changed series. But not genre or trope. “My host Freya enjoys the tactile sensation of handwriting.” The thirtysomethings giggled again. He, on the other hand, he gave a sort of strained smile… probably wondering whether this…

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The Lord condemns adopting any practices of the pagans around us;  the Lord condemns anything different from His Word as dark ignorance; the Lord  condemns bringing any item of false religion into our houses; the Lord condemns doing anything under green trees in His worship; the Lord condemns friendship with the world as becoming His enemy; the Lord condemns loving pleasure more than God; the Lord condemns the heathen use of decorated trees; the Lord condemns…

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...Since you’re here anyway, he said, would you mind awfully being standing in for the Head of the Judging Panel in the talent show? It’s due to begin any minute and we’ve just received a phone call that the person you will be replacing (ah! so I had already accepted, had I?)  was held up in a domestic emergency…

It was explained to me that the said person had been baking Gingerbread Santas and had put all 60 of them down to cool on her new kitchen table.…

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I stood up (did I say I stand 6’1” in my stockinged feet?) and so he had to crane his neck to look at me – which he did, arms akimbo and legs at ten minutes past ten stance. Then he cocked his head to one side and squinted. Do I know you from somewhere? He croaked. I smirked. “Well, unless you’ve been to Finland, Lapland, Alaska, Siberia, the North Pole, and anywhere else that I have residences, it’s doubtful…

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Now if this were a story being written in comic strips, at this point there would be no recognisable words, but just emanata (straight lines rising from around a character’s head indicating surprise) from my head, grawlix (the series of typographical symbols to represent swear words) from the head of the aforesaid passers-by, waftaroms  (wavy lines rising from something indicating a strong smell or heat) from the mother to show she had eaten curry,…

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....And then I saw it. In a distilled version of the Selfridges Christmas campaign – where they have a personalised shopping experience that includes, and I quote, boys dressed head-to-toe in dapper suits and bespoke bow-ties, and girls in super-stylish, festive red Vivienne Westwood dresses¸ the advert that jumped out at me read: Wanted: Tall, dark, and handsome Santa.

Now most people would be aware of who Andrej Pejic is; but not everyone would know why I mention him…

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In the supermarket, he pushes the cart, leaning heavily on the handle, while she darts back and forth, adding eggs, milk, bread, cereal,  hurrying to keep up with his slow, steady pace. 

He wedges the dog food bag in the bottom rack, brings down  things from the  high shelves;

wordless, grimly bored,  they travel around the store. At the checkout line she unloads the cart, he swipes his bank card across the ATM processor;  outside, they hesitate and then he points, and they cross…

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I went out with female friends Friday night for some shopping, visiting, and art salivating.It involved high end cosmetics, shoe and clothing browsing, and art galleries, again, with finger foods, hot chocolate, and live music in some of the establishments. I brought very little cash and no credit, just to be sure I would not spend frivolously. I wanted to purchase a 4 oz. bottle of Philosophy's rejuvenating serum for forty-eight dollars, a grey cashmere sweater for two hundred and…

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Malls definitely have mood music, that BOOM-BOOM beat that says: You're COOL, you're MOVING, you're IN and UP, now BUY something, RIDE that wave, TRANSFORM your life! When you combine shopping and alcohol (buyer beware) the siren song is even stronger and combined with beauty and the shiny polished new of objects radiating relative… Continue

I’ve managed to avoid going to Middlesbrough for some months now. Did my christmas shopping online, except for books from Tam’s in Orkney – rare choice and good advice! But ... Steve needed shirts and I thought maybe I’d imagined the awfulness of shopping. I hadn’t. The raw dark damp didn’t help; we were early enough to overhear the inanity of shop assistants discussing last night’s telly (and educated enough to cringe at “Refunds is given.”) Misreading the shop name ‘Ethel Austin’ as… Continue

The transparent lamp

with its red tangled tassels,

as I dab my upper lip...

While the tour group pose

strategically silenced by,

the photographed cascade-

Al,...souvenirs ,

shopping- for three years now

at the same closing down sale,...

Its late afternoon -

as the aunties jive

with their slim shadows,....