A friend is writing about her mother's recent death, trying to make sense of it; she is sharing these journal entries with me.  Her words are brutal, spoken from the black and blue of her heart.

She said she'd tried to understand my grief when my best friend died in 1998, but until now she couldn't.  She is in that bottomless place now, a forever hole in her universe.

I told her the pain will lessen and soften with time, then when referring to my best friend's…

 I remember staring out of the window without understanding what the flashing blue lights of the ambulance where all about; later I realised they had taken my brother away; I never saw him again.

I remember us both sitting in his bedroom on the purple bedspread that almost matched the colour of the walls and aiming his pistol at the dartboard and firing the tiny little darts; hitting the bullseye with just my second attempt and Steven whooping and howling “You're a natural…

you feel your face; skin less tightly drawn over the bones than in years gone by, dry lips, you think of the night before.

you hear the mexican women talking as they walk their yappy dogs, a bird,  a distant jet rumble, the laugh of the crazy homeless guy zig-zagging backwards in his wheelchair, then the traffic on delongpre.

it is seven a.m. and you are no longer in your youth and climbing toward happiness.

where are you, my…

Afternoon: I wander around my apartment looking for something I have misplaced, I can not remember what I had misplaced, but could not forget it either, or rather the restlessness of the search would not leave me; there was a void that only the misplaced object could fill. So I paced, searching for clues, first in the front room than in the bedroom. I poured a glass of sprite into a mayonnaise jar, sipping it I walked into the bedroom again, there…

Mental illness is a science in theory, a medical model just coming out of the begining stages really, a condition, but it's also a big, fat, guessing game.

One part mental/chemical, one part emotional, one part environmental, one part personality, blah, blah, blah.

Treatment...medication, therapy, education, maturity, support, desire and a lot of inconsistent fucking "luck".

Nobody has the answers, or the perfect solutions.

Nobody knows what caused it, or…

You kiss, without meaning.

You look away.

I do not know you, struggling at your coattails.

I cannot hear you calling me now.

Your words are vacant and slow.

You kissed without meaning; it is time for you to go.

When we met, the air was warm and the deepness of the night took us away.

Your heat melted into me like the sweetness of white cream in the sun.

And we did not want to be anywhere else; The world offered us nothing more.

I did not know how to tell you..My soul, my heart, my existence is forever etched with yours.

It is winter now; All I see is the lingering death…

She lit up our lives, with her beautiful poses; the way she would tilt her head to make sure mom was home.

Her beautiful green eyes were the first my mother saw each morning and before she slept each night.

She would hide from strangers - after just a quick glance; under the bed mostly.

And when she was sure she was safe, as she always was within those walls, she would rest with mom and they…

When you are here, I feel it again; The wanting and the distance; I still chase that spirit.

You were uncaring, narcissistic and aloof; So I changed to make you see me.

But, the Sex......aahh, oohh, THAT was different!

We met there deliciously and completely //more! more! more!// Keeping me in your head, if not your heart.…

Tension mounts, the buildup is great, anticipation palpable!

Yearning, Wanting, - No! - Needing!!

It has been too long; The taste is thick and sweet; The smell brings a pulsating ache..

It will be mine! Now! Finally!

The door closes without warning, without explanation. No thank you - again.

Life goes on.

Many do not know.

They sit motionless and gaze outwardly.

They seem trapped in another world; maybe another time.

Eyes open, a void stare, without emotion; What do they see?

Please do not stay here! It is not where you should be.

You are free to go; Do you understand? YOU ARE FREE TO GO!

She's been gone twelve years and the words still won't come. They stumble over blocks of love and sentiment, tangle their feet in briars and too much detail.

My memories of us are rooms full of too much furniture, stacked floor to ceiling, hoarded treasures. An editor who rejected our story explained to me as a father to a child: You're feeling too much to make us love this love story.

I can't…

"Pick whichever one you like", she said to the four year old princess leaning precariously over the shallow pool. Decked out in little pick converse and a matching news boy cap the child's innocent eyes look up towards the aging woman as she speaks to no one in particular, "She would have been the same age as Sophie... Or little Marcus... Never did find out which". "Pardon me?", said the young women standing beside the child, "How did you know my daughter's name?". Shaking loose the chills,…

Sixty-nine year old Eve and her husband are raising their twelve year old granddaughter for the past five years. When the child was seven, her mother shot herself in the heart. The little girl was in counseling for a couple of years but it never seemed to help. She cried only briefly at her mother's funeral, but a few years later there was an incident when the granddaughter had trouble with her homework and screamed, "I want my mother and I want her this instant!" Then she was silent and…