The single most important sporting day of the year for Stump Shiner was the Turkey Day Classic, in which the Hayneville High Bobcats played arch-rival Greenville High Dirt Daubers. Both team quarterbacks were evenly matched this year, as were the defensive linebackers and guards, yet Stump knew for certain, even before the anthem was played, that Hayneville would win the day.

“How can you be so sure?” Charlene…

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Wave your golden hanky. 

Dance on a piano. 

Wear foam on your head. 

Sculpt, not cut, some cheese. 

Put the little wieners in barbeque and pass the remote. 

We’ve got a Super Bowl to watch!

Public Health Nurse Temerity Stone sat in her office, canting her left hand this way and that, enjoying the glint of her new engagement ring and thinking about her future.

She had no doubt whatsoever that she adored Hoot Shiner, but she knew that their whirlwind courtship had surprised (if not upset) some members of his circle.…

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I was a Dallas Cowboys fan for about five minutes, a hiccup of loyalty born of two Marker's Mark Bourbon and Diet Coke cocktails, but a question burned away the fog of imagined team spirit: What Is Football? During the last game I attended my mind was flooded with images of soldiers at war, homelessness, world hunger, disease, poverty, our dying Social Security fund and the national deficit all juxtaposed with the expense of attending a football game -- the $300+ tickets, $15 kobe…

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Oh, hello there, Ochocinco and T.O. Love that you two hung out on the playground this summer and bullied Cinni into picking another hot shot. Hear you’re new BFFs and you plan to win the oh-so-coveted Super Bowl rings together? Goody, goody, gumdrop, maybe you can have a sleepover, debate who’s more fabulous, and shine each other’s tattoos, too. Because, really, every office pool is already…

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Decades of self-doubt and irrelevance to the world were about to be undone; the undying loyalty of their adoring fans about to be recompensed. Four penalty kicks scored and one to go. “Think about what hurts you the most, project it on to the ball, then kick the shit out of it,” were the coach’s last words echoing in his head as he neared the penalty kick mark. The plane tickets, airport mix-ups, over-booked hotels, over-priced food, anxiety medication, antacids, near mugging at the park, face… Continue