Musings of Tana

Sometimes in life, it is necessary to give up everything that you think you know ... about yourself, about others, about everything. Some of us, are wired to learn life the hard way. We need to stand in the rain to believe it is wet, the words of our parents weren't convincing. We need to get burned, sometimes repeatedly, before we learn not to touch, no matter ( HOT DO NOT TOUCH) sign. We need to fall, repeatedly , before we accept that gravity exists. We need to sin in order to believe in hell… Continue

An emotional toothache; an ever present, ever tender, hightened sensitivity that brings a unique hurt to the roots of being, roots desperately needed to feed self esteem. A gnawing , growling, cursing hunger that lingers unfed whilst other mundane obligations are begrudgingly met. A sulking jealousy that lingers near the doorframes of success, a peripheral reminder of that which is most longed for and not yet achieved. A childish will that strains against the confines of being denied, bitterness… Continue

I stomped around the room with my hands balled into white knuckled fists and my arms held stiff at my sides. A choke sprang to my throat and I willed it back down. How tightly I held my face, my lips pursed I felt my teeth against the soft tissue of my inner cheeks; I bit down firmly and willed myself to feel the physical pain over the emotional. I held my eyelids shut against their will , my nostrils turned outwards and upwards, to help with the heavy breath that was fighting its way into a pan… Continue

"The baby" was coming and mother was enjoying the attention she got from the ladies in our church's basement. We were playing "guess Pam's favourite" and my six year old hand had trouble writing the answers as fast as they were asked.

"What is Pam's favourite flower" - daisies; What is Pam's favourite colour? - yellow; What is Pam's favourite dessert? - Banana cake...

I wrote down all twenty answers in my childish scribble. I could hardly believe this was a game, because I knew all the answers… Continue

The cliche of the void for the hole in my soul has come to be cliche for a reason.
My mind builds a wall , my will keeps it strong, but my heart continues at treason.
The longing for love is a malingering need, and my mind knows my heart is just teasing.
I'd have to know what I want before I get what I want, so there's no use in trying to please me.